- Carrie Underwood wore at least 47 different dresses. All of them showed off her legs.
- Blake Shelton opened the show with the song Footloose. The academy tried really hard to take back his award after that hideous performance, but apparently there was some sort of issue with his name already being engraved on the trophy.
- Brad and Carrie's first comedy bit featured a song about Hank Williams Jr. losing his Monday Night Football gig: Tell me, Hank, why do you drink?... before an interview. And why do you smoke?... before an interview.
- Miranda Lambert's tailor is looking for a new job today. I thought that fuchsia dress was going to end up around her ankles. It's true. I'm no white liar.
- Speaking of Mrs. Shelton, she and her husband took home Best Vocalist awards. In her acceptance speech, Miranda basically said that they would make some good whoopie later. TMI. Gosh, I love her.
- Faith Hill got caught in a wind tunnel just before the show. Luckily, she made it out alive (too bad I can't say the same thing about her hair). And bless her. She tried really hard to sing that One Republic song, really she did, but it just didn't happen. While watching the performance, Ryan Tedder was thinking, 'I knew I should have held out for Rhianna!'
- Miss Piggy hit the stage.... without Kermit. It made me feel the same way I did when I saw Jessica Simpson without Nick Lachey for the first time: Awwww! He's so sweet! How in the world did he put up with that stupid, bleach-headed piggy for all those years?
- Luke Bryan sang the words "country girl shake it for me" while 42 strippers were "shaking it" on chairs behind him. Country girls sure don't look like they used to...
- Grace Potter is my new favorite singer. I know almost zero about her, but today is the day for some research. And for bedazzling t-shirts. Team Grace!
- Lionel Richie (huh? at the CMAs?) can still sing. I was all dancin' on the ceilin' watching him, Little Big Town, Rascal Flatts and Hootie.
- Little Jimmy Dickens makes a really bad Little Justin Bieber. That joke fell almost as flat as Sara Evans' notes while singing A Little Bit Stronger. Poor dear. I love her anyway.
- Taylor Swift still gets nervous when she plays for the big kids. And she still writes on her arm. And she won the Entertainer of the Year Award. And... she's awesome.
- Brad Paisley made fun of Keith Urban for being shorter than Nicole Kidman. Is he? I thought they were about the same height? But poor Nicole. She's heard Napoleon husband jokes for two decades now. She needs to go to the NBA to look for husband #3.
- Only, like, 4 songs were in-tune the entire evening. Today, all of those artists are going to blame their equipment, the sound guy or global warming for their sub-par performances.
Below are the winners from last night. Yellow indicates the awards that I guessed correctly:
Entertainer of the Year: Taylor Swift
Female Vocalist of the Year: Miranda Lambert
Male Vocalist of the Year: Blake Shelton
Vocal Group of the Year: Lady Antebellum
Vocal Duo of the Year: Sugarland
New Artist of the Year: The Band Perry
Album of the Year: My Kinda Party, Jason Aldean
Single of the Year: "If I Die Young", The Band Perry
Song of the Year: "If I Die Young", The Band Perry
Musical Event of the Year: "Don't You Wanna Stay," Jason Aldean featuring Kelly Clarkson
Musician of the Year: Mac McAnally, guitar
Music Video of the Year: "You and Tequila," Kenny Chesney featuring Grace Potter
7 out of 12? Ugh. That's a grade of 58. I'll never get into college with that GPA.