Thursday, November 17, 2011

Twilight Week

It's Twilight Week, people.   Do you know what that means?  Everywhere you look, you will see teenage girls and thirty-something Moms going bananas as they count down the seconds until the flick hits theaters.  Like, literally.  Check it out.


I'm sorry, but I just don't get the phenomenon.  But don't worry - you won't be the first person to try to convince me:    

Oh. My. God.  It's only, like, the greatest love story EVER.  Okay, so Bella's all torn because she's really attracted to Jacob.  I mean, who wouldn't be? hehehe.  Am I right or am I right?  Anyway, Jacob is soooo sweet, and since he's a werewolf, you know, he can give her a normal life.  Well, sort of.  But Edward is her soul-mate and you just can't fight true love!  Bella is destined to be with him forever.  Team Edward!  

If you're a Twi-girl or a Twi-Mom, please do not take offense to this post.  I'm not meaning to poke fun.  Really.  I'm actually quite envious of you.  I want to feel your passion and excitement about something other than a 30% off coupon from Kohl's.  I want to go to the movies with you at midnight and tweet about Edward's hair.  But I don't, so I can't. 

When I admit my anti-Twi-ness to others, it often comes as quite a shock.  And I get the same look as if I just said that yoga pants are uncomfortable or that I don't like chocolate: eyes widen, mouths open, and a deep inhale immediately precedes a high-pitched WHAT?  

And suddenly, I feel about as awkward as Edward walking into the Red Cross.    

Now, granted, I have not read the books. How can someone who loves to read NOT read the Twilight books?   

Well, I'm glad you asked.  See - at first it was because I wasn't interested in a story about vampires, but then it was because everybody else had already read them.  My goal is to be the last woman under the age of eighty to have not read this series.  And man!  What a conversation that will be at Bingo next Tuesday. Booyah!


I've watched the movies, though.  I thought the first one ranked just above From Justin To Kelly and just below Battlefield Earth.  Seriously - I've had root canals that caused less pain.  

Yes, yes, yes... I know.  The books are better.  Then why did the author let some idiot director and a bunch of bad actors bring this novel to life?...er, I mean, to death?  (Sorry, vampires.)  

And I've gotten my oil changed in less time than Bella pauses between words.  I just want to slap her on back and say, "Spit... it.... out."  And then bat my eyelids. And then say "Edward" in a raspy whisper. 

Okay.  Confession time.  Something magical happens to me during the last thirty seconds of each of the Twilight films.  I don't know if I'm just distracted from all that glitter skin or if it's Jacob's abs, but as soon as the credits roll, I find myself actually looking forward to watching the next one.  There's crack in those credits!

So to my friends who are flying to another city to watch the movie premier, to those who will get out in the freezing rain at midnight to go to the theater, and especially to those who will sit through a Twilight Marathon this weekend, I will be with you in spirit.  

And by that, I mean that I'll be sleeping or doing laundry. 

Have fun, Twihards!  And please tell Bella, Edward, Jacob and that little devil baby that I'll see them on HBO in a few months.       



7 comments:

  1. You are so funny, but PLEASE READ THE BOOKS!! The movies suck, but my love of the books makes me go see the movies....at midnight...every time!! I promise, you won't be disappointed in the books :)

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  2. April, I will definitely read the books one day... if for no other reason than to conduct a psychological experiment. Forget the credits, if reading the books wins ME over, then we can say there's crack in those books! :)

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  3. I have NOT read books nor seen movies. I dont 'get' it.

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  4. "Okay. Confession time. Something magical happens to me during the last thirty seconds of each of the Twilight films. I don't know if I'm just distracted from all that glitter skin or if it's Jacob's abs, but as soon as the credits roll, I find myself actually looking forward to watching the next one. There's crack in those credits!"

    SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING!

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