WHAT? You mean it fell on December 25th AGAIN this year? Geez. I wish somebody would have let me know.Now I'm forced to swim through a sea of Honda and Chevrelot to fight holiday traffic. Then I'll walk shoulder-to-shoulder through the mall with all the other procrastinators. It will feel just like a Lollapalooza mosh pit - except this time, somebody's walking away with a LeapPad.
And inevitably, I will talk to at least one person who says they had all their Christmas shopping done by Labor Day. And then they'll smile the Grinch's smile. The one from when his heart was two sizes too small.
|"What? You still have presents left to buy?? Ohhhh. Bless your heart."
Look. Don't get me wrong. I'd love to be one of those people who have all their holiday shopping done by September. I'd even settle for Black Friday. Alright, fine. December 22nd. But each year, it doesn't seem to happen.
So in an effort to not get stuck in traffic behind a minivan cleverly disguised as Rudolph, I looked for "gifts" right here in my own house. And guess what I found?
- Children's Art. Anytime my daughter sketches a lopsided green heart on an old envelope, it becomes the Mona Lisa. We can't throw it away or really bad things will happen (to me). Luckily, grandparents are a sucker for that sort of thing.
- Decaffeinated Keurig K-Cups. Why does anybody buy decaffeinated coffee? You get all the bad stuff without any of the good. That's like me saying, "just give me a bowl of milk, sugar, flour, raw eggs and oil. Nah. Don't worry about making them into cupcakes first."
- Opened Wine. Brian and I had a glass a wine, put the cork back in the bottle and then stuck it in the fridge. That was a month ago. It probably barely tastes like rubbing alcohol by now. I know! I'll just put it in one of those fancy wine bags!
- Candles, Soaps and Lotions. I've managed to develop quite a collection of disgusting scents that nobody in their right mind would ever want themselves or their house to smell like. But... maybe you'll like them?
- Size 0 Skirt. All women have a skirt shoved in the back of our closet that we think we will actually wear again someday. As if. Surely I know somebody who doesn't eat solid food...
- Gently Used DQ Blizzard Maker. Wait. I paid $30 for a toy that makes a shot of ice cream after I manually turn a crank for two hours? Am I slow? There's a Dairy Queen right down the street!
- Fruitcake. Everybody knows that there's only one of these things, and apparently, it's my year to have it. Time to pass the torch.
- Christmas Decorations. It seems like a good idea to put out 10,000 different decorations until after Christmas. So give them as gifts and avoid packing them in the attic next week.
- Light-less Lights. If you read my Christmas decorating disaster post, then you know I have a billion strands of burned-out lights. So, uh, Merry Christmas.
- List OCD. I don't have another one, but I thought it would look better to have ten instead of nine.