Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Cigarette Rule

I officially joined Weight Watchers today, but truth be told, I've been doing my own personal version of Weight Watchers for months.  Yep. Every time I step on the scale, I watch my weight go up and up.  I think I've finally reached my fighting weight of...

What. Did you think I was actually going to tell you my weight? No way. Besides, I might have fooled you into thinking that I weigh less than I actually do.  Thank you, Spanx and Photoshop.

So what does every health conscious and reasonably intelligent individual do the day before they start a new diet? Consume 5,000 calories of course.

Yesterday morning began with a trip to my favorite guilty pleasure: Dunkin Donuts. There are few things in this world that I love more than those powered sugar coated, deep fried circles of doughy goodness.  Their coffee is pretty good, too.

Cupcakes were my next drug of choice. I billed baking as a fun Mother/Daughter activity for our Labor Day holiday.  Don't you love it when you can use your kids as a catalyst? Like, " Sorry I couldn't make it to your Tupperware party but little Tommy wasn't feeling well. Thank goodness he's better now."

I'll never admit exactly how many cupcakes I ate (ahem. six), but let's just say that there was no need to eat lunch yesterday.

About 4 o'clock my Nana called me and invited me over for dinner.  I ate chicken & dumplings and banana pudding like it was my last meal before a lethal injection execution.

I've clearly got the first half of Bulimia down pat.

The philosophy behind all this food hazing is simple: The Cigarette Rule.

A friend of mine got caught trying to smoke one of his Grandpa's ciagrettes when he was seven years old, so his Grandpa made him smoke the entire pack.  He got so sick that he never wanted to smoke another cigarette again.

The Cigarette Rule is what we use to justify consuming enough calories to feed a starving village the day before we start a diet.  Maybe if we eat until we're sick, we'll never want junk food again.

Well, I've got some bad news for you.  I'm eight hours into my new diet and I'd give up a pair of Jimmy Choo's  to eat a chocolate donut right now.  Another hypothesis failure. Great. There goes my career in science. And modeling.