Monday, September 19, 2011

What To Expect When You're Expecting

Cameron Diaz was recently in Atlanta filming her new movie based on the best selling book What To Expect When You're Expecting.

Here is a photo of her on the streets of Midtown:

Pfft. This movie should be called Good Luck, Honey, Because Pigs Will Fly Before You Look This Good When You're Expecting

See her 5'9" 115 pound body?  See her muscular arms and toned legs?  See her perfect blonde highlights and clear skin?

You won't look anything like this.

It's a bold faced lie, people!  A total farce.  A cultural fallacy designed to make normal women with normal pregnancies feel like failures.  Emotionally fragile, pudgy, swollen, little mounds of failure.

Here is another view:

Ladies, when your husband tells you that you don't look pregnant from behind, that is another lie (but one that he should proudly tell you).  Because your butt will not look like Cameron's butt.  And Lord help us if you decide to wear those shorts anyway.

It is time to break through Hollywood's misrepresentations of pregnancy and tell you what to really expect when you're expecting:

Please allow me to describe your general state: Imagine that you drank one, two or fifteen more than you should have last night.  Then you woke up at 6 a.m. to go deep sea fishing but the waves were really rough.  You wonder if eating something might help you feel better, so you bite into a juicy burger - only to discover that the meat was grossly infected with E Coli. 
You will develop a superhuman sense of smell, so if someone is frying venison eight miles away, you are going to alert everyone around you.  And not in the good way.
Your face or your back or your chest or all three will break out.  And suddenly, you will envy a teenage girl's complexion. 
You know that "glow" that everybody talks about?  It's actually just the beads of sweat that appear across your forehead when you puke or walk up stairs. 
You will drink so much water that you'll feel just like a camel except you will store water in one bump instead of two.  
Your entire body will swell: your face, your hands, and especially your feet.  It will look like all your little piggies went to the market and then stopped by Golden Coral on their way home.
Name a gross medical ailment and you will probably experience it during pregnancy.  Then you will throw TMI rules out the window and tell a total stranger exactly why you're buying Preparation H. 
You are going to get fat.  Some get fatter than others, but everybody gets a little fat.  Nobody looks like Cameron Diaz wearing a baby bump strap-on when they are nine months pregnant.  And if you do, don't talk to me.  I hate you already.
You know those big boobs that you have always wanted?  They will be here soon enough, but it won't be nearly as glamorous as you thought it would be.  So relish those A cups and sleep on your stomach every single night.
You will become very emotional.  And I'm not talking emotional like you will cry watching a Kodak commercial.  I'm talking emotional like, "WHO ATE THE LAST FUDGE ROUND?!?  YOU... MUST... DIE!"
Every modest bone in your body will be broken, crushed and swept up like dust off a hardwood floor.  By the time you deliver, your legs will be in stirrups, and if the Pope walks in the room, you will not even flinch.     

The upside is that once you go through all this, you can be in The Mom Club.  A secret society of women who have given birth.  We won't tell you about all the horrors that await you until after you are already pregnant and then WOW! at the stories.

By then we figure it's too late for you to back out.  And, it's really fun watching Moms-to-be completely panic about [insert terrifying experience here] while trying to convince you that they knew it was a possibility all along.