Friday, November 18, 2011

Demi and Ashton Split

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have formally announced that their marriage is kaput.  Wow.  Big shock.

"It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life. This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation." - Demi's statement to the Associated Press this week.

Just come on out and say it, Demi.  It's cool.  We've read the tabloids and we know what Ashton did in the hottub with that 23-year-old bimbo.

Well, yes, you're right - we didn't actually read the articles.  But we did flip through the pages and look at the photos while we were waiting in the grocery store checkout line.  And let me tell you, those photos were compelling.

Personally, I don't think that Demi cared as much about the cheating as she did about age of the little vixen.

Demi's worked really hard to look like a 23-year-old tramp.  And by worked really hard, I mean that she's had over one million dollars worth of plastic surgery.

Insert Ausin Powers holding his pinkie finger to the corner of his mouth and saying,
"One.... milllllion.... dolllarssss."

No, that is not a typo.  She has a million dollar body.  Literally.  Jocelyn Wildenstein has more original parts.

What Demi Moore taught me is that I am one winning lottery ticket and a good plastic surgeon away from being smoking hot, too.  Now pass me those Oreos, dammit.

So why did this marriage made in Kabbalah Heaven have to end?

Was it their fifteen year age difference?  Nah.  I'm pretty sure that Demi's spleen was the only thing that was still 49-years-old on her body.

Was it the cheating?  Well, I'm sure that didn't help.  Hey, don't Ashton's weird and pervy Nikon commercials just seem weirder and pervier now?

It was Twitter.

Demi and Ashton were always willing to expose themselves (both literally and figuratively) on the social networking site.  In fact, Ashton was the first member to have over a million followers.  Because really, who doesn't want to see Demi's million dollar butt while sipping on their morning coffee?

The large pic is the creepiest of the creepy.
It was Demi's last post to Ashton, sent with the message, "I see through you."
DANG!  You mean that she got a plastic surgeon to make her eyelids see-through?!  Gotta get me some of those!

I mean, look at all the other celebrity couples who have lived out their entire relationship on Twitter.

Ohhhh, that's right.  There aren't any.  That means that Demi and Ashton have set the bar.  Celebrity couples tweeting themselves into relationship failure is batting 1,000.

The biggest tradey of all?  Demi has to change her Twitter name. I don't think mrskutcher will do anymore.