Saturday, November 12, 2011

How To Cover Your Butt... Literally.

For once, I'd like to sit down without worrying about the business end of my outfit playing a friendly game of peek-a-boo with anyone and everyone within a thirty yard radius.  Victoria may have still some secrets, but thanks to low rise jeans, I don't have any left.

Remember in the 90s when your jeans actually covered your cheeks?

This is how they kicked it in Beverly Hills.

Fashion 101 at Bayside High.

Seriously - does anything say "the 90s" more than jeans worn on 90210 and Saved By the Bell?  Well... I mean, other than the Zac Morris phone?

Bailey: "What is he holding up to his ear, Mama?"
Me: "It's a phone, baby."
Bailey: "No, really.  What is it?"

I know what you're thinking.  Those jeans look terrible!  But that's always what we say after a fashion trend has reached its timely end.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B. 

Exhibit C.

Okay.  So I guess wearing raw meat was never officially "in".  Sorry, Gaga.

The point is that low rise, super low rise, and my bare butt is the only thing touching this seat jeans have been around long enough!  Let's give them a swift kick in that four-inch-by-four-inch square of material that is supposed to cover our bums.  It's time to throw them into the storage box with parachute pants and Debbie Gibson cassettes.

Not only did 90s jeans cover up your entire rump, but they also functioned as a girdle. That was multi-tasking at its finest, folks.  Since your waistband sat just below your bra strap, your muffin top stayed exactly where it is supposed to stay - hidden.  From everyone.  Including your husband and your OB-GYN.

But today's jeans only accentuate the muffin top.  Similar to a Wonder Bra, they take whatever fatty tissue you have and squeeze it up and together.  Well, I don't mean to speak for everyone here, but I'm not looking to take my stomach from a B Cup to a Double-D, thank you very little.

Does anyone actually look good in low rise jeans?  Yes.
1. Women under the age of 21.
2. Women who do not eat solid food.
I'm posting this photo of Keira Knightley because it's pretty obvious that both were applicable.

The sad thing is that when 90s jeans were fashionable, I didn't appreciate them. They were just something that I picked up at The Gap so I could have the plastic drawstring bag to carry my gym clothes in the next day.  Is it too late to say that I'm sorry?

So please join my petition to get those low rise, butt exposing, muffin top squeezing jeans banned from Abercrombies and Buckles everywhere.  So far, the only ones who are strongly opposed to this campaign are Anorexia Nervosa and Spanx.