Saturday, January 14, 2012

Today's Forecast: Snow with a Possible Chance of Embarrassment

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.  Dumb alarm clock.  I was sure that hitting the snooze button one more time would make those 2-hours of sleep feel like 12, but I was wrong.

"C'mon, Bailey.  Get up!  We have to hurry or you'll be late to school."  

I heard Bailey rushing around upstairs.  Meanwhile, I was downstairs making her lunch in record breaking time.  If Tony Stewart ever needed a Pit Crew member to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I'm a shoe-in.  

Bailey came downstairs much sooner than I expected.  I had to take her on good faith that she brushed her teeth and put on deodorant.  There was no time for a hygiene check.

Then my car wouldn't start.

Uhmmm, I'm not sure what horrible thing I did in my past to make this happen, but I'M SORRY!  Can you please call off the dogs?

So I ran inside to get Brian's keys, but the location of his keys continues to be a daily mystery.  Are they in yesterday's pants pocket?  What about the fruit bowl?  On the end-table? 

We pulled into the parking lot about five minutes late for school.  Crap.  I'll never make the Tony Stewart Pit Crew now.

Bailey was all like, "If you don't walk me in, then I'll be in trouble."  
And I was like, "If anybody sees me walking you in, then I'll be in trouble."  

In all that unnecessary detail above, did you read anything about me getting dressed?  No?  That's because it didn't happen.  I was still in my snowman pajamas, only having the courtesy to throw on a Columbia sweatshirt.

I never intended for anybody to see me dressed like this.  If I had been in a car accident, I would have hidden in the woods until the coast was clear.

I was wearing cream pajamas with red and green snowman silhouettes on them.  And thanks to the holiday binge season, they were just a little bit tighter than they should be.

And speaking of the holiday binge season, that's the only acceptable time of year to wear Christmas pajamas. I felt like my neighbor who still has an inflatable snowman, nativity scene and Christmas lights in her yard.  Every day is December 23rd at her house.  I bet she humiliates her daughter, too.

All the girls want me to be their mother.  

While walking through the parking lot, I was turning every head.  And not in the good way.  I looked back at their judgmental faces like this...

Please accept this very uncomfortable look as my personal apology.

I walked into the school office and all seven pairs of eyes went straight to my pajama bottoms, so quickly that it almost made a whipping sound.  Those little snowmen wouldn't stand a chance in an undercover sting operation.

That's when Bailey developed temporary amnesia, because suddenly, she didn't have a freaking clue who I was.  Huh?  That crazy lady wearing Christmas pajamas who kind of looks like me?  NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

As I left, I said, "Bye, Bailey", but she only quickly cut her eyes in my direction.  She was careful not to do anything that might indicate to a total stranger that I gave birth to her.

It made me think of the crazy man in our neighborhood who always wears his pajamas.  People refer to him as "the crazy man in our neighborhood who always wears his pajamas".  Regardless of the time of day or the time of year, you'll find him wearing plaid pajama bottoms, a Hanes t-shirt and slippers cleverly disguised as real shoes.  And that's just a little bit creepy.  Even Boy Scouts and Hare Krishnas are too scared to knock on his door.

So I'm not there yet.  But now I'm one step closer.

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