Friday, April 20, 2012

A Latte of EmbarrASSment

After taking my daughter to school, my three-year-old son, Drew, mumbled something from the backseat: "Brownies."
Huh? What'd you say? I couldn't hear you.
Brownies.
Oh, brownies...  Well, not for breakfast, baby.
BROWNIES. NOW.
Is there a way to ask that nicely, like, 'Mama, may I please have some brownies?'
NO! BROWNIES! NOW!

And because I really care about nutrition and manners, I immediately pulled into the Kroger to buy this kid some brownies.

Okay, I care, honest to goodness, but not first thing in the morning when I'm going on very little sleep and less than very little coffee. Brownies for breakfast? Well, sure. You want to wash them down with a Mike's Hard Lemonade?  Okay, fine, whatever. Oh, and here's some matches for you to play with if you get bored.

(But I would never admit any of that on my blog.)

Do you know what's the best thing about the Kroger near my office? It has a Starbucks in it. I bet that's exactly how Joan Rivers feels about having a plastic surgeon's office down the street from the QVC studio. I could get my daily coffee fix and Drew's brownies at Starbucks. Two for one! Boom. 

Luckily, there was only one person in line when we walked in because Drew was having one of those mornings. He couldn't stand still, and he was equally dividing his time between crying for no reason and laughing hysterically.

I swear, some days he is sooooooo three-years-old.

By the time I ordered, there were four people in line behind me.  

And speaking of my behind (ahem), this was when Drew started slapping my butt like he was Charlie Sheen at a bachelor party. So I said, "Drew, stop!" and I nervously chuckled, looking back at the people in line behind us.        

And, yes, of course they were watching.  

Then I felt Drew's little hand on my badonkadonk again, but this time, he was rubbing it in a circular motion like he expected a genie to pop out. It was a "wax on, wax off" that would make Mr. Miyagi cry.   

What was going on with this kid today? Seriously, I've felt less violated by TSA.

Now, for this next part, I can't figure out exactly how it happened. Logistically, it doesn't make any sense, so you'll just have to take a leap of faith with me here: I quickly reached back to grab Drew's hand and somehow jerked his head into the counter. BAM! It looked just like a maneuver that Chuck Norris would do before he had his coffee.

Drew immediately started screaming. I scooped him up and kissed his little head. I wanted to say, "I'm so sorry, baby. You can inappropriately rub my butt in public ANY TIME YOU WANT. How 'bout a pony? You want a pony?" But instead, I just silently wished that he would quit screaming like any other child abuser would. 

Drew shouted through the tears, "I'm sorry, Mama. I won't touch your butt anymore! Please don't hurt my head again!"

OH MY GOSH. Can this get any worse? And there for a moment, nobody assumed I did that on purpose.   

I could feel their judgmental eyes peering through me like laser beams. I almost said, "Yes, I agree that Social Services needs to get involved. Look (taking iPhone out of purse), I'll even make the call for you." But instead, I just silently wished that they would quit staring like any other child abuser would. 

A Starbucks employee came out from behind the counter with two lollipops in her hand. She said to Drew, "I'm sorry that you got hurt, honey. (Evil eye toward me) Which one do you want? Red or blue?"

Two points for the little people!  Nothin' but net!


She didn't ask me if I was cool with my kid having a lollipop at 7:30 in the morning. Of course, I was the same mother who was there buying brownies for breakfast while body slamming him into the counter, so.... the bar was set pretty low.  

I've never wanted to run away so bad in my life. The only reason that I didn't was because I thought I'd look more guilty if I did. I'm pretty sure that one of them spit in my drink. Can't say I blame them, though. Besides, I've been trying to cut down on the cream anyway.

Thanks a latte, Drew.



Linking up with: Yeah Write.  Why?  Because it's awesome. 

This week goes to Werdyab’s fateful visit to Starbucks. In A Latte of Embarrassment, Amanda’s son demands brownies for breakfast. While in line to order, he fondles her enough to make a TIME magazine cover mom blush, loudly begs her stop hurting him after an accidental head slam and takes candy from a stranger. All this and silent judgement from those in line behind her, too? Makes for a perfect morning and a hilarious post. Amanda’s delivery is a zippy, fun read that proves that even when you give little kids exactly what they want, they can’t resist dabbling in public humiliation.
        Congrats, Amanda, on the win.








114 comments:

  1. This is the awesomest blog I've read in a long time! I laughed too hard, then I had to call my mom to tell her how much I love her. My kiddo is 6 now, almost 7, I've SO been there. The stares moms get in public could kill, I swear.

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    1. Girl, if looks could kill, I'd be six feet under and drinking my Vanilla Latte. ;)

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  2. I love your stories. I have a 5 month old and you're definitely preparing me for what's to come :)

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    1. Michelle, it's about to get good! Once a baby starts crawling, it's all over. :)

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  3. Ha! This post made me LOL! I have just found your blog linked from somewhere but I love it...
    I can't wait for my husband to read this, it sounds so much like me~

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  4. Thanks, Amber! Sounds like we are birds of a feather!

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  5. I think this is par for the course with three year olds, no?
    I'm also praying a magic genie will transform mine into an angel on her 4th birthday. COUNTING THE DAYS!

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  6. Oh Em Gee. Cuz you're life is hysterically hysterical. Thanks for the laughs.

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    1. Embarrassing myself is just my way of giving back.

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  7. I just came across your blog and I am hooked! We have definitely had our moments around here. I have 4 little ones and sometimes the things they do or SAY can make me want to disappear. ;)

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    1. Miranda, I can't imagine 4 times the fun! I bet the stories are endless at your house. :) We should talk. ;)

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  8. Oh wow, I almost forgot for a second what I've got to look forward to, my little one is 11-months-old. Then again, I should remember from when my 14-year-old was that age, but there's got to be something about wanting more children that's got the ability to induce amnesia, hehehehe.
    Following now, <a href="http://areasontostayalive.blogspot.com>follow back</a> if you want to.:(

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    1. Oh, my gosh - yes! I only 7 1/2 years between my kids, but believe me when I tell you that I forgot everything! Now... which way does this diaper go on again?

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  9. Looks like I should preview my comments before I post. Sorry about that....
    follow back if you want to.:)

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    1. I read your poem "11 years" and it was really touching. My baby sister passed away in 1990, so it really hit home. Beautiful work!

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  10. Oh, man. We all have days like these! At least you have a sense of humor about it! Thanks for the laugh, and I hope tomorrow is better!

    P.s.- Once I accidentally hurt my two-year-old's arm while trying to lift him to a standing position while he was throwing a HUGE tantrum. I must have looked like such a bad mama. Oh, the shame!

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    1. It was so embarrassing! Looks like I'm going to have to switch to Caribou now. Thanks for your comment, Lauren! :)

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  11. Love! We've all had days like these.

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    1. Days like these make the best stories. :)

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  12. I know I begged for brownies when I was a little kid. I can definitely relate! My child has grown to love brownies as well!

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  13. LOL!! That is sooo funny!!! I am a new reader and was hooked from the get go- u r hilarious. I am also in Atlanta and have 2 little ones- a 3.5 yr. old and a 23 mo. old- I have all sorts of adventures like this all the time!! Just today I was "that" mom leaving the story with big kid crying because I wouldn't buy him something he wanted... Yep- #1 mom award- right here!!

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    1. Melissa, we are practically neighbors! I can't tell you how many times I've tried to buy Drew's good behavior with a one dollar Hot Wheel. Where else can I get that much for a buck? Totally worth my investment. :)

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  14. I shouldn't laugh (wait, yes I should - you wrote this in such a humorous tone, that I definitely should be [and am] laughing... hysterically). Seriously, tears pouring out of my eyes. So sad, so funny. Poor kid... poor mom! ;)

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    1. Once I knew that nobody was calling Social Services, I was laughing hysterically! It was funny stuff! Thanks for your comment, Eve. :)

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  15. I laughed SO hard reading this I had tears streaming down my face! I did almost this exact same thing with my son (now 7) when he was about that age only ours involved a shopping cart... he was slapping and pinching my butt and I was getting strange stares so I tried to bribe him into a cart. Just as I lifted him over the seat is about the same time he decided he could fly and pushed off the cart as hard as he could and landed on his head on the hard floor! Once I realized he was ok I scooped him up as fast as I could and wanted to sink into the floor! I held on to him as tight as I could, partly to comfort him but mostly because I was afraid that anyone in earshot of his screams was going to come grab him out of my arms and take him somewhere they thought he would be safe!

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    1. Oh, my gosh! Bless your heart! You and I must be the sweetest little child abusers that ever lived. :)

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  16. WE so must have been friends in another life...I used to be a judger of parents and now I am judged...but I just look back with crazy eyes and a twitch and they turn away. So glad it isn't just me, thanks!!

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    1. It's all about which side of the screaming kid you're on. ;)

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  17. You converted my husband to being a reader of mommy blogs with this one! Hysterical. My daughter still refers to the spot outside the library where I once grabbed her arm (in an effort to stop her from charging headlong into an oncoming semi) as "the place you hurt me"?! Thanks for the belly laugh. Can skip my ab workout now.

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    1. "the place you hurt me"... Now that is hysterical! I'm telling you - these kids OWN us. :) Glad I helped convert one Daddy into a Mommmy blog reader AND saved you an ab workout. My work here is done.

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  18. New reader here. Seriously hilarious post. No joke. I laughed so hard I cried. I really did. I could totally picture myself doing the same thing...except my son LOVES to grab my boob in public...or announce really loudly that he has to go poo poo (he's 3 also)...and lets not bring up him announcing to the Target check out guy the other day that the buckle on the cart made his penis hurt! I about died!!!! Thanks so much for the laugh...I needed it today. And to know I'm not alone!! :)

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    1. As I was reading your comment, I was shaking my head like "Yep. That's happened. Oh, yeah. He always does that." There's just something about being 3! :) Thanks for reading, Kelsey. :)

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  19. Oh jeeze that's funny!
    Three is such a magical age, isn't it? There will be no shortage of stories as long as there are children around!

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    1. You're right! The stories come pretty easily... like, daily. :)

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  20. Baaaahhahaha! That's a great moment in parenting right there. Thanks for sharing it. I'm still giggling.

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    1. I don't think I'll be forgetting this one for a long time. And in this case, "a long time" means "forever". :)

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  21. Oh my goodness, I am laughing and crying...WITH you of course. These little ones always give us an adventure.

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    1. It's never a dull moment, that's for sure! I had a good laugh about this one, too... once I was about a mile away from Starbucks. :)

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  22. So funny, I have had many of those moments as a parent when I wished I could vanish.

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    1. Vivian, I had another one just yesterday that I'll be blogging about this week. I picked him up from preschool and have never wanted to hide so bad under a toddler-sized table before in my life! :)

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  23. This was so funny. I could totally relate. One day my three year old started to talk to a bank teller about my hemmorhoids...what it took for me not to tackle him into submission while taping his mouth shut will always speak to my will power...

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    1. hahahaha! Okay, Carrie - you win! These three year olds OWN us. :)

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  24. Lol!!! Like charle sheen at a bachelor party!! So funny....I've been there .....and this is the thanks you get for letting your kid eat inappropriate desserts for breakfast???

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    1. GIRL. You aren't kidding. The next time he wants to inappropriately rub my butt in public, he's eating brussel sprouts for breakfast! :)

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  25. Hahahaha! That's hysterical and totally something that would happen to me. Mase has a habit of grabbing my boob in public. It was funny when he was little but now that he's 4....not so much!

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    1. It's definitely more embarrassing as they get older. People give you "that look". I hate "that look".

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  26. Hahhahahahhahahaha that is SO unfortunate. (Ps "thanks a latte" reminds me of scrubs...anyone? anyone?)

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    1. I never watched Scrubs... did they say that? I always see "thanks a latte" by the tip jar in almost every coffee house nationwide. :)

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  27. Kids will bite you in the ass. (Too soon?) Good thing they are adorable. :) Ellen

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    1. OMG - too soon! I think I still have PTSD. ;) But yes, they are totally worth it... most days. ;) Thanks, Ellen!

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  28. Sooooo funny and well-told. He sounds like a charmer!

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    1. He is! But if he keeps this up, the ladies will be beating him off with a stick... literally. :)

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  29. I always hated that bum rub. That, and the judgement of others who were seeing you for all of 5 minutes. I try not to do that - ever.

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    1. Me, too! Once I became a parent, I stopped judging other parents. :)

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  30. You are the perfect mom. Brownies a 7am or 10pm is a major mom bonus!!

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  31. thank you for letting me know i'm not alone in my parenting troubles. i was trying to re-tell a cute story of having a long day with the kids when my 6 year old stole my punchline (which i wasn't going to actually tell anyone) "and then daddy came home and mommy said "Hi.Bye." and walked out the door.

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    1. hahaha! And don't worry - you are definitely not alone!

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  32. Hilarious. My kids are forever feeling me up in public, too. What is up with that? So, brownies for breakfast isn't ok? Crap.

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    1. In my book, it's completely acceptable. :)

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  33. freaking hysterical. the part where he starts rubbing your butt? i have tears from trying not to laugh. you child abuser, you. btw, we're a donuts (holes) for breakfast family here- DRIVE THRU!! ;D

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    1. Donuts are my FAVORITE. We should have a breakfast date sometime.

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  34. LOL! Out of the mouths of babes. :)

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    1. I know, right? That's one big reason that I'm glad I started this blog... documenting all these little moments (for blackmail later). :)

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  35. Oh my goodness - what a story! Kids just know how to do this, don't they?!

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  36. weird comment to make but i am sick like a dog with a stomach ailment and yet, yet, i am laughing so hard i think i might throw up. well played!

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    1. Bless your sweet little pukey heart! I hope you don't throw up on my account. But I am glad that I made you laugh even on a bad day. Hope you feel better!!

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  37. *snort* This was awesome. Not the part about your child hitting his head...I feel real bad about that...but the way you wrote about it was great. Made me laugh. Nice post!

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    1. Thanks, Katie! It was hysterical... once he was okay and I knew that Social Services wasn't going to take him away. ;) Thanks for your comment. :)

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  38. Fabulous! I've done stuff like that, but no one offers my kid a lolly so they keep screaming "I'll be good, Mommy!" Just horrid for my local rep. Ah well.

    Loved this. And brownies for breakfast = genius!

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    1. The lollipop was nice because he immediately decided that getting body slammed into the Starbucks counter wasn't so bad after all. :)

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  39. Oh. My. Gosh. (He seemed no worse for wear in that last photo so I think I can put down my phone...plus I'm really not sure how to say your name anyway!)

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    1. He made a full recovery it seems. :) Thanks for your comment, girl!

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  40. Love this :) ... A situation so many moms can relate to and your sense of humor just makes it all that much better!

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    1. Thank you! This wasn't the first and it won't be the last, either. :)

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  41. Oh, that is hysterical. I have so been there! I just love it when they scream, "OUCH! YOU ARE HURTING ME!" at the top of their lungs. Sheesh.

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    1. My kids have pulled that one before, too! Those little guys are smarter than us... and that's scary. :)

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  42. Next time throw a rear naked choke on him right there in line , see what they think about that!...lol OR better yet learn the Vulcan pinch... =)

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    1. I'm going to have to brush up on my fighting skills, fo sho!

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  43. This is hilarious! "I'm sorry, Mama. I won't touch your butt anymore. Please don't hurt my head again."

    I've so been there where it looks like you just beat your kid and it was a total accident. Ugh!

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    1. That was really what got me the most. The inappropriate fondling, I could have gotten over - but the child abuse? Well, that one left a mark (no pun intended).

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  44. Hi.Lar.I.Ous.!
    This was such a good description of those moments in motherhood that I'm having all the time. Of COURSE you had to stop for brownies for breakfast. I mean...what was the alternative?!

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    1. It was that or McDonald's hot cakes and sausage. It's all about nutrition at my house. :)

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  45. Loved your post. So relatable. We have all been there. But I'm jealous. Don't think I've had the butt massage in line before. Wah.

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    1. Drew is for rent... if the price is right. ;)

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  46. Oh!!! I can so relate to this story. I don't now of any parent that has not had this problem. Great blog.

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    1. Thanks! I could probably make an entire blog of just stories that this one. :)

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  47. Oh, the stories we moms have! Great one! New follower! Yay!

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  48. Hilarious! I can relate :)

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    1. Once I knew I wasn't spending the night in jail, I thought it was hilarious, too! :)

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  49. Replies
    1. Proud of Drew's fondling or my cage fighting skills? Maybe both? :)

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  50. SO stinkin' hysterical...Still laughing and crying at the same time! Reminds of when my son was Drew's age and we were eating lunch at a Mexican restaurant. He was sitting in my lap facing me, and pitching an all-out tantrum. He rared his head back and, kabam! His head hit the table and the silverware rattled while the glasses clinked. The entire restaurant turn to look at us, and do you want to know what my loving hubby said then? "Honey, don't slam the baby's head on the table like that!" Oh. My. Goodness. Never have I been so mortified in public!
    Thanks, Amanda, for confirming I'm not the only child abuser left walking the streets ;)

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    1. hahahaha! That's an awesome story! We should start a support group. :)

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  51. Awesome. My kid grabs my ass in Kroger a lot.

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    1. There must be something about that place...

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  52. I really should be sleeping but instead I'm here laughing! I shouldn't laugh, but I couldn't stop. Full laugh out loud laugh! I have 3 kids and too many "no I don't abuse my kids" stories to keep up with. They all survived me though and even love me!

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    1. We should swap stories sometime, Carrie! Maybe over coffee? :)

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  53. This post is amazingly hilarious! I'm dying over here, thinking of all the times I've whacked the crap out of someone in this house on accident...HA!

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    1. Jennifer, there's definitely been one or two or fifty more that just haven't made it to the blog (yet). :)

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  54. Ahhh, good one. I really know how you feel.

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    1. All mothers can relate to an embarrASSing moment like that! ;)

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  55. Oh man. I feel your pain, that is terrible, LOL! With 5 little boys of my own I can totally see how that could happen though! So embarrassing, and so funny!

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    1. 5 boys?! I bet your stories are ENDLESS! I think I need to interview you for my blog. :)

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    2. 5 boys in 6 years- the stories just keep on comin'! LOL

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  56. Rubbing your butt had me dying. Especially the wax on/wax off image. I envisioned the next step was going to be him pulling your pants off or some other awful thing! Found you at finding the funny.

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  57. I have never laughed so hard at a blog before. Because of course, I have totally been there!

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  58. I just laughed so hard I cried....I have a 2 year old son. Thank you for the laughter!!

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