Hey - don't feel bad for not knowing! How could you? I didn't tell you, and besides, Facebook doesn't add birthdays to business pages as far as I know.
But if they do and NONE OF YOU wished me a Happy Birthday, well... that's awesome! Maybe if we act like it didn't happen, then it doesn't count?
I woke up to the sound of Brian, Bailey and Drew singing 'Happy Birthday' beside my bed. It doesn't get any better than that, folks.
Then I walked downstairs and was greeted by the smell of warm cinnamon rolls right out of the oven. Remember when I said "it doesn't get any better than that"? I LIED. Cinnamon rolls make everything better! And guess what? The calories don't count on your birthday! It's a law, I think.
Brian handed me a piece of notebook paper and said, "This is your birthday quiz. If you make a 100 on it, then you'll get your birthday present."
Crap. There's a pop quiz? But I didn't study!
Seriously. Is there a Pinterest for dudes that we don't know about?
Maybe it was because it was too early or maybe it was because I had a sugar high from all those cinnamon rolls, but I panicked. I immediately starting skipping around to ones that I knew for sure.
#3 - Best blog in the world... Well that's easy! TMZ! Dang. Not enough letters. Okay, go to the next one. My middle name.... Crap. What's my middle name?
Phew! I've never been so glad to pass a test in my life. Chateau Elan, here I come!
So for eight....long....hours...., I enjoyed luxurious pampering. Is this what it's like to be rich? If so, it rocks.
This photo collage tells the whole story.
Everywhere I went, people would say, "Happy Birthday, Mrs. Hohenbery. I hope you are enjoying your day." They sure knew how to make a girl feel special!
But then they would usually follow up with, "So, how old are you today?"
And... buzz kill.
For realz, y'all? I'm trying to relax here and I'd really appreciate us NOT discussing my age. You're robbing me of my lilac foot scrub happiness!
So I just smiled and said, "29".
What were they gonna do? Check my birth certificate?
My morning began with a massage. I knew it was going to be good when my masseuse walked in and looked like she played middle linebacker in the NFL. Her hands were as big as the sun and I think she could have bench pressed me if she wanted to. She also offered me a shot of Jack Daniels instead of a bottled water. This girl had chops.
I had trouble relaxing, though. And it's not due to my physical activity (she types as the audience breaks into laughter) because I sit all day long: at a desk, in the car, on the couch. Believe it or not, I'm even sitting while I type this blog.
My problem with relaxation is that I can't get my mind to turn off. Just like me, it hardly ever shuts up.
My brain is like a pinball machine in an arcade. One little thought sets that silver ball in motion and then it pings around in there for hours and hours. Pretty soon, my mind is cluttered with a bunch of middle-schoolers screaming over AC/DC music and standing shoulder-to-shoulder on a soda-sticky floor that smells like old gym socks.
Figuratively speaking, of course.
So every time I felt myself starting to think too much, I drank another glass of cucumber water. It was an Amanda Cleanse, if you will. Eventually, it worked, but then I had to stop my facial to go to the bathroom and pee. Twice.
I took a spa break for lunch. I didn't have to bother with getting dressed because everybody walked around in their robes and slippers - in the parking lot, the restaurant, and even outside by the lake.
While I was eating lunch, a UPS man walked up to me and asked where the check-in desk was, and suddenly, I became incredibly aware that I was naked underneath that robe.
I bet that's how people feel who are at a nudist colony and some tard walks up to them wearing jeans and a turtleneck asking for directions to Joe's Crab Shack. Can you say awkwarrrrrd?
And before you say anything, cheesecake and wine is a completely balanced meal. There's fruit and dairy and.... you know, probably some other stuff, too.
Between spa services, I had use of a private hot tub, shower, bathtub, sauna and steam room. I haven't taken a bath without a "Mama, where are you?" interruption since 2001. I kind of felt like I was cheating on my kids.
I liked the steam room the best, though. If I'm not going to exercise, at least I can sweat by just sitting there.
What I didn't think about was what the steam would do to my naturally curly hair. When I got back in the car, I looked in the mirror and I actually scared myself a little. Now I know why people started looking at me funny from about 2 o'clock on.
The good news was that if a Poison reunion concert was in town, I was totally prepared for it. The bad news was that there wasn't. Every rose has its thorn, y'all.
Thank you, Brian, for treating me to such a wonderful birthday! You gave me the gift of total silence - inside and out. How did you know exactly what I needed?
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