Thursday, March 28, 2013

10 things I learned from having a colonoscopy

1. What goes in must come out (if you know what I mean). So think twice before you have that last 8,000 calorie meal because it won't be nearly as enjoyable the second time around.

2. Vodka, rum and Chardonnay are not included on the clear liquid diet list. Believe me, I checked.

3. The prep solution is the nastiest stuff that I've ever tasted. My advice: Think of it like the first time you tried tequila. Disgusting, right? But that didn't stop you from dancing on the bar at 2 AM (ahem). Divide your prep solution into 25 shot glasses and pretend that you're twenty-one again. Lemon and salt are both on the approved diet list, so "lick it, slam it, suck it" and try not to puke it.

4. Not eating solid food for two days was pretty rough, but I easily made it through the first day without killing anybody. However, my attorney has advised me not to comment on the second.

5. Don't plan on getting any sleep the night before your colonoscopy. I'd take four hysterectomies before I'd buy another ticket to Poopapalooza.

6. But hey, you do get a commemorative cup.

7. Forget all the trendy "cleanses" to kick off your next diet. Have a colonoscopy and you can skip juicing for the next 17 days of your life.

8. There was only about a-minute-and-a-half from the time the doctor walked into my room until the procedure started. Call me old fashioned, but shouldn't we get to know each other first? Maybe have a nice dinner or go see a movie?

9. Anesthesia sure isn't what it used to be. Remember the days of old when you'd wake up feeling so groggy that you could earn your own Tosh.0 web redemption?  When I woke up, I felt completely normal. Seriously, I've felt more loopy from taking an Advil. I could have totally driven or operated heavy machinery. I didn't even take a nap when I got home. Such a disappointment.

10. A lot of doctors complain about working with a-holes all day long, but if you're a gastroenterologist, you mean it pretty literally.


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