Thursday, January 5, 2012

What it's like to be a human pin cushion

Did you know that more of my posts are tagged with "poop and other embarrassing things" than any other topic?  Yep.  That's the life I live.

But lately, it seems like all I've written about is my family's various illnesses.

Are you as sick of reading about puke as I am of cleaning it up?  Yeah.  I thought so.

Anyway, since Drew has coughed until his lungs almost fell out onto the hardwood floor, his pediatrician referred him to an asthma and allergy specialist.

We go in for what I assumed would be a simple consultation.  Ya know - a little conversation, collection of medical history - maybe even a blood pressure check.  But instead, Drew became a human pin cushion.  Poor baby!

It's not as bad as it looks, though.  Of course, somebody did cry for a solid half-hour because of it.

And that somebody happens to be a 36-year-old woman who loves new shoes and bad 80s music. Have you guessed who it is yet?  I know.  The suspense is killing me, too.

The allergy tests determined that Drew has an anaphylaxis reaction to cats.  That's all.  Just cats.  Those sweet, little, cuddly mounds of purring cuteness ARE TRYING TO KILL MY SON.

We determined that it was anaphylactic pretty quickly when his throat closed up right there in the doctor's office.  That was fun.  It's always a treat to see your kid gasping for air and then shots being slammed into his thighs.

This may or may not have contributed to my binge eating later.  

It's so sad, too, because Drew LOVES cats, which is pretty obvious based on his constant lack of oxygen lately.  We walk into the urgent care now and the receptionist is all like, 'Hey Drew.  Good to see you.  Whassup?   Can't breathe again, eh?  Okay.  Come on back."

I wonder if the urgent care sells fast passes like at Disney?  That could really come in handy. 

So when Drew looks at cats, he sees this...

But unfortunately, his throat sees this.....

And just when I thought it was finally over, the doctor came in and said:

"He did good today.  The next phase of test will be hard, so we split it up into two visits.  See you next week."

Ummm, I'm sorry.  You mean that's not all?  And today was the [GULP] easy part?  Great.

Look.  Can't we just take the average grade from this test and apply it to the next test?  All we need is a C to pass the class.  I don't care if he has to start off at some junior college first.   I'm fine with setting the bar low.

They didn't seem to think that was so funny.

So check back next Thursday to see how Drew was tormented for another three hours with shots and other suckish things.  I hope they have WiFi in the loony-bin, because chances are, that's where I'll be blogging from.  Anybody know where I can get some Valium on the black market?  If so, just email me.

After we left the doctor's office, we did what you should always do when you're having a bad day.  We went to Target and ate junk food.  Because nothing says I'm sorry that you were tortured today like a new Lightning McQueen car and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  Hallmark is even making it into a new greeting card.  With a picture of a cat on the front.


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