Friday, January 20, 2012

I'm Detoxing!

You know the Nathan's hot dog eating contest where people shove 60 hot dogs in their mouth in under 10 minutes?  Well, I've been doing my own personal version of that contest for months now.  But I didn't eat hot dogs.  Gross.  Instead, I binged on nutritious food like McDonald's.

It took a while, but I finally learned that eating three times my recommended daily caloric intake was making me gain weight.  So I joined Weight Watchers.  Again.  I've honestly lost track of how many times I've renewed and cancelled my membership, but let's just say that I could own a house in the Caribbean by now.  

If drinking coffee and Facebooking were the keys to a healthy lifestyle, then I'd be Dr. Oz and you'd be counting calories and running on the treadmill while watching MY show.  Now think about that one for a minute.

When I'm really dieting, I develop a killer headache that feels like my brainstem is about to fall out.  And chances are, I'm going to need that one day.

I always stick to a diet long enough for the detox pains to subside and then I quit.  It's like I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself.  I guess that's why I watch Jersey Shore. 

The new diet headache hit me yesterday while at the chiropractor's office.  I had to tough it out in front of her, though, because she thinks I'm all-organic and homeopathic.  She doesn't know that I slam Oreos in her parking lot.

I had to make an emergency stop by Publix for Goody's Headache Powder and Diet Coke.  And since my brainstem was about to fall out, I decided to pop the Goody's right there in the store.  I'm pretty sure an older gentleman standing nearby thought I was doing a line of cocaine instead.  I considered defending myself but didn't want to look all Charlie Sheen-ish.

Have I ever told you about the time that I tried Coke in college?  How do you keep the stupid bottle from getting stuck in your nose?  Maybe I should have gone with a 20 ounce instead of a two liter?


It's like Weight Watchers is using their oversized Charles Barkley hands to slowly squeeze the frumpy out of me.  I can actually feel the double cheeseburgers and chocolate donuts being expelled.  And I'm so hungry that I'm tempted to lick them up - but don't worry - I know it's not polite to double dip.  At least not while you're watching me.

To help me stick to my diet, I joined a Weight Watchers group on Facebook.  We are supposed to share recipes and report our weight loss progress.  I figure nothing makes you successful like the threat of documented failure and public humiliation.

But if not, I'm totally okay with lying, too.