Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Girlfriend's Mom

I recently made my annual appearance at the elementary school PTA meeting because the 5th grade was singing.  Otherwise, I wouldn't waste my time at that lame meeting. Sorry but I've got really important stuff to do like fold laundry and watch The Bachelor.

After the performance, the PTA officers started in with their official business crap.  That's when I pulled out my iPhone and appeared to be very busy.  These people need to understand that Facebook is practically a job these days.

Just before hitting the post button, a parent walked up to me and said, "Hi!  I'm Lisa.  I'm the boyfriend's Mom!"
And I said,  "Huh.  That's funny because my daughter doesn't have a boyfriend."

Oh, sure.  I laughed that "ha ha ha" fake laugh and nudged her arm, but I didn't think it was funny in the least.  THIS IS MY DAUGHTER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Then she said, "I was hoping that we could get the two love birds together for a movie date sometime."
To which I replied,  "We'll see."

Just for clarification purposes: "We'll see" actually means HELL NO when coming from the girlfriend's Mom.

I know my daughter will date some day YEARS FROM NOW.  But she seems a little young to start the natural progression of dating.  If she goes to the movies now, soon she'll be holding hands, then she'll be kissing - and before you know it - I'm raising a grandbaby when I'm 42-years-old.

Yeah, I've flipped through your brochure, and I think we'll vacation elsewhere.

Sensing my unease, the boyfriend's Mom said, "Well, I would go to the movies with them, of course."

Well, of course you would, but see - I don't trust you.  Do you know why?  Because you're the boyfriend's Mom and my daughter is not your top priority.  How do I know this?  Because I have a son, too.

Then she said, "Which section of the neighborhood do you live in?"  

Oh, how I hate this question.  My neighborhood contains several hundred homes split into different sections with a half-million dollar price differential.  We have lower-middle, middle and upper-class all sharing the same tennis courts.  It's hard to know who your people are.  They should really make us wear signs.

She quickly said that they live in the back section of the neighborhood.  THEY ARE NEIGHBORHOOD ROYALTY.  No wonder she wanted to know which section I live in! She's trying to protect her son from people like me.

I was so tempted to say,

"A movie?  That sounds great, but I hope you don't mind paying for Bailey's ticket, well... because you know which section of the neighborhood we live in.    
And then, when they are sixteen and need to get married - ahem - because of the baby, and we can't afford to give them the wedding that your son deserves, I hope that you'll step in and take care of that for us.  
Awww!  I knew you would!  Yes, a movie date for the two lovebirds sounds PERFECT!"

Pfft.  That would teach her to mess with the girlfriend's Mom.

But instead, I just said, "We'll see".  And we both know what that means.