Thursday, February 16, 2012

Valentine's FAIL

It was Valentine's Day.  I was feelin' all mushy-gushy and full of love.  So what do you do when you feel that way?  You login to Facebook, of course!

As I was scrolling through my news feed, I saw all these great mobile uploads.  Adorable custom Valentines with catchy phrases and professional graphics.  Red and white themed breakfasts and snacks.  Special home decorations.  Teacher's gifts that would make me give you an A+ right on the spot!

Spoiler Alert: Mine look nothing like this. 

These kids KNOW their Mommy loves them.  Mine still question it a bit. 

My children have to actually earn their A's. 

I'm sure all those cute, donut-filled, smiling-faced kids went into school so proud to pass out the masterpieces that their Mom stayed up until 5 a.m. making.

But not me. That's not how I roll.  I do Valentine's Day a little more like this....

Yes, Drew sent a Valentine to himself.  Narcissism must run in the family. 

Seriously.  You could edit this pic 57 times with Instagram and it would still look like crap.

Drew walked into school carrying a plastic grocery bag full of Lightning McQueen cards.  The cards were cheap, tiny and flimsy.  I bet they were even printed with lead paint.  They had pre-cut holes to display the disgusting lollipop, which was made solely of Red #40.

The only way that I could make it worse was by tying some gluten or peanuts to Lightning McQueen's bumper.

I didn't even use a high-dollar Sharpie to fill in the "To" and "From" sections.  I used an ink pen instead.  But hopefully Drew's tears of shame washed away the ink so that we can plead the 5th.  What.  Valentine's Day fell on February 14th again this year?  Dagnabit!  I completely forgot. 

Instead of heart-shaped pancakes, Drew had McDonald's hotcakes.  They sound similar, but they're completely different.  I did put a red Hot Wheel on top of the plastic container, though.  You know - just to make it special.

Teacher's gift?  All Drew's teacher got was a "Happy Valentine's Day" and "Hopefully my kid doesn't pee on you".

And he goes to a Montessori school!  Oh, the shame of it all.  Those Montessori Moms are probably working on a plan to kick me out me right now.  If the plan is called "the kid with the worst Valentine card gets expelled", then I'm toast.

By the way, do you wonder why I'm only talking about Drew in this post?   That's because Bailey opted out of taking Valentines to school this year.  She took a big bag of Laffy Taffy instead.

She said it was because she was too old (insert tear), but I think that's only a half-truth.  I think she was TOO OLD for cheap Disney Princess Valentines.  I'm only kidding.  Sort of.

If you see Pinterest, tell her that I wanna punch her in the mouth.  Ahem.  And Happy Valentine's Day.