Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Hair Salon Bar & Grill

Yesterday, I took a "me day".  WHAT?  You mean Moms actually get those?  

Well, sure.  All you have to do is get a bill passed first and then you're on your way.  It's not as hard as it sounds.  Just think how different our world would be if Oliver Brown didn't have the guts to take on Topeka Board of Education.  SEE.  There's hope for you, too.

I went to the hair salon, nail salon and then went shopping.  The Mommy's Day Out trifecta!  It was pure awesomeness.

But some of it bordered on necessity.  Let's talk about my hair for a minute.

It's (at least) 85% gray.  Two weeks after having my hair colored, I develop a stark white line where my part used to be.   My hair puts the "maintenance" in "high maintenance".  It's a real budget buster.

People never believe me when I tell them how gray I am, so here's the proof.  I could totally win my Supreme Court case based on this pic alone.

My Dad.  Isn't he handsome?! 

Men are so lucky.  Their hair turns white and they look all Richard Gere-ish.  Our hair turns white and we look all Barbara Bush-ish.  See the difference?

When I complain about my high maintenance hair, sometimes people say, "Oh, I know what you mean because I'm as gray as you are."

Really?  I mean - maybe you are - I don't know.  Let's test it out, okay?  Is all the hair on your body gray (TMI)?  Do you pluck white eyebrows?  If not, then you're not as gray as me.

I plucked my eyebrows just for you.  See.  WHITE.
If the pic is blurry, it's because I spent the entire day at the hair salon.  You'll get it in a minute.

And then I often get the same advice: "You would look GREAT completely gray.  You should quit coloring your hair and rock it out!"

Listen, if I "rock it out", I'll look just like Doc Brown from all those Back To The Future movies.  Because not only is my hair white, it's also thick, curly, and frizzy - add in the Georgia humidity, and voilà! - Doc Brown hair.   

I would develop the uncontrollable urge to say, "Roads?  Where we're going we don't need.... roads."  It would be a reflex.  Just like what happens every time I drive by a Krispy Kreme and see the hot sign on.  Some things are just beyond our control.

Is this really what you want for me?   If so, then don't even bother inviting me to your next Scentsy party.  BECAUSE I'M BUSY.  COLORING MY HAIR.

"All my girlfriends told me to rock it out.  What do you think, Marty?  Do you like it?....
 Oh, look!  A HOT SIGN." - Amanda "Doc Brown" 

But before you start feeling sorry for me for my Chia Pet hair and my not enough me time, I think I should tell you the whole truth about my hair salon.  THEY SERVE BOOZE THERE.  

Do I know how to pick 'em or do I know how to pick 'em?

Look at what they handed me when I sat down in my salon chair.

If this pic doesn't deserve an Instagram edit, then I don't know what does.

They don't ask you if you want a magazine.  You know why?  BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE.  And they can screw up your hair as bad as they want to.  You know why?  BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE.  If your haircut sucks, you don't even notice.

About 45 minutes later, they brought me another beer and I didn't even have to beg ask for it.  And, it was free!  THIS IS THE BEST BAR EVER.  Oh, the damage I could have done at this place in 1996.

They brought me a third one, but I turned it down because I noticed that I was having the most HILARIOUS conversation with the girl washing the color out of my hair.  I mean - she was talking about school and boyfriend troubles BUT IT WAS FUNNY.  At least one of us thought so.

And secondly, because you should never - I repeat - you should NEVER need a DD to leave the hair salon.  Do that and lose all your street cred.  And since the only street cred I have left is the time that I yelled at another Mom across the swimming pool for a float stealing incident, I'm dredging in shallow waters.  Real shallow.  Like a one-foot baby pool with a splash fountain.

Ladies, don't beg your husband for a Girls Night Out anymore.  Meet up with your girlfriends at the hair salon instead.  You'll have a few laughs, a few glasses of wine, and leave looking FABULOUS.  Well... as far as you'll be able to tell anyway.

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