Billboard Music Awards Recap

I LOVE to write about award shows.  And last night's Billboard Music Awards gave me enough material to write a review longer than War and Peace.

A billboard about the Billboard Awards... Pretty punny, huh?

Wait. Who is that hosting? OH. It's Claire and Phil Dunphy from Modern Family!

Even though they called themselves "Julie" and "Ty", they still acted 100% like Claire and Phil.  Every time "Julie" talked about hooking up with some hot guy after the show, I was all like, 'Somebody, quick - call Jay and Mitchell!  We can't let Claire cheat on Phil!'

LMFAO kicked off the show with 'Party Rock Anthem' just in case you hadn't heard it a bazillion times already.  I had, so this made a bazillion and one.

The first time I saw LMFAO, I thought they were so crazy.  But now it's a predicable crazy and I'm bored with it.  I want new crazy.  And I'm not talking about a 7-foot-tall dancing zebra, either.

P.S.  Am I the only one who's waiting for LMFAO to admit that they're a modern day Milli Vanilli?

Julieanne Hough presented the first award of the evening wearing a glittery towel and a microphone that didn't work. After a couple of false starts, somebody finally handed her a working microphone to present the award for Social Artist of the Year. A technology award with broken technology?  Nicely played, Billboard.

But seriously? An award for tweeting?

And the best tweeter award goes to.... Justin Bieber.  Bless his little heart. Did you hear him fumbling through that acceptance speech? Dropping out of high school did you no favors, son.  Just keep on singing.

Chris Brown performed "live", but he was noticeably lip-syncing (again).  Can somebody PLEASE make him go away?  Look.  If you can't sing and dance at the same time, just stay at home and stick to the things that you're good at - like smackin' around your girlfriend.  He even picked up an award for Best R&B Artist.  Pfft.

The only thing that I learned from Chris Brown's performance was that Brandy is still alive.  I haven't seen her since Moesha was cancelled!

And speaking of people singing and dancing at the same time, let's talk about USHER.  I loved his elaborate Phantom of the Opera-esque performance that included magic tricks, fast-paced dance moves and actual live singing. In short, it was pure awesomeness.

Katy Perry won the Spotlight Award for having five consecutive #1 singles from the same album (Teenage Dream). Michael Jackson was the only other artist to ever win this award.

Later in the show, the former Mrs. Brand debuted her new single, which will be included on the re-released version of Teenage Dream.  HEY, THAT'S CHEATING.  It's not like Michael Jackson can go into the studio and record a new song for the Bad album.

Oh, and if you're wondering where Katy Perry gets her good genes from, look no further than her 91-year-old, liquor-shooting grandmother.  Holy smokes.  I just want to look half that good when I'm half that age.

I was so embarrassed for Miley Cyrus last night.  She forgot her pants.  It's like a nightmare that actually came true in front of millions of people.  And I'm pretty sure that her hair was just a badly chopped-up Hannah Montana wig.  If her stylist was going for the 57-year-old prostitute look, she hit it out of the park.

And speaking of hair, I'm sorry to report that Carly Rae Jepsen was better in that weird John Frieda commercial than her performance of 'Call Me Maybe'.  Some songs are better kept on the radio.

The focus of the awards show was paying tribute to the great artists who have passed away in the last year: Whitney Houston, Donna Summer, Adam Yauch and Robin Gibb.

John Legend & Jordin Sparks as well Cee Lo Green & Goodie Mob gave some amazing tribute performances.  By the way, did you see that one-legged dancer?  Awesome!

I can't comment on Natasha Bedingfield's tribute to Donna Summer because they went to commercial break after the first verse.  Rude move, ABC.  I guess they love that new Sun Drop commerical as much as I do.   It inspired more poppin 'n' lockin in my living room than most of the Billboard performances.

Zooey Dechanel presented the Woman of the Year Award to Taylor Swift.  Poor, Zooey.  Her scatterbrained act isn't just an act after all.

When she awkwardly read from the teleprompter and stumbled over the word philanthropic (twice), I could actually hear her thinking, 'WAIT. DID I SAY THAT RIGHT?'.  Her fearful thoughts were so loud that I started thinking, 'Wait.  Did she say that right?'  Confusion begets confusion, y'all.

Even after they read a ten-minute long list of achievements, Taylor Swift was still like, "Huh?  Me?  What?  I won something?"  And I must say that I love her for it.  I don't think she's faking it either, folks.  Her childlike, awestruck wonder is what makes her write songs that sound like she's reading from a 14-year-old girl's diary.  After a nasty breakup.  At the Homecoming dance.

American Idol was well-represented with great performances by former winners Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood.  Both were wearing red dresses and both were singing power ballads.  The only difference was that Carrie Underwood was almost blown away (literally) during her performance of Blown Away (song title).  Someone turned up the fans just a little too much, me thinky.

And poor Jordin Sparks was the only Idol winner who didn't know that she was supposed to wear a red dress.  Now - I'm not saying that she has a discrimination lawsuit, I'm just saying that she has a case.

Nelly Furtado tried to make a comeback with a very poetic song about the power of wearing big hoop earrings.  Socrates would be so proud.  Oh, and Nelly - Sally Jessy Raphael called and she wants her glasses back.

Alicia Keyes introduced the legendary Stevie Wonder who received the Icon Award and performed 'Overjoyed'.  Get out your lighters cell phones for this one, people.  He sounded just as good as he did in the 60s!

Adele SWEPT the Billboard Awards winning 12 categories.

You didn't know that?  Well, that's because they only present, like, 5 awards during the televised show.  I guess Justin Bieber's tweets were more important than insignificant musical achievements like best album or best song.

#ThatsOkayBecauseAdeleCouldTakeBeiberInArmWrestling

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