And I thought, 'If Schwinn made a commercial inspired by my life, what would it be? So I decided to write them a letter and make a few suggestions.
I think one of my stories could inspire an awesome commercial! Please have your people get in touch with my people.
P.S. I'm totally available to play to me in your commercial. *hint, hint* But if not, you should go with Megan Fox instead. WE LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE. Ahem.
Commercial Idea #1: Keeping with the marriage theme, I, too, met my first husband on a bicycle. Michael was the cutest, little, blonde headed, four-year-old boy that I'd ever seen. He proposed on a crisp, autumn afternoon with a butter cookie turned engagement ring that he saved at snack time.
Sure, we were from different worlds (He lived all...the...way... down the street) and the cards were stacked against us (He loved He-Man and I loved the Smurfs), but this was TRUE LOVE. And true love conquers all. Sometimes.
Unfortunately, the pressures from learning our numbers and colors really caused a strain on our relationship. The breaking straw was when he asked Angie to play Daisy Duke during a Dukes of Hazard reenactment at recess. AS IF. That marriage was over before it started, y'all. But I learned something: Never trust Bo Duke.
Commercial Idea #2: When I was young, kids rode their bikes all over the neighborhood without a single parent in sight. Scary, you say? Nah. Because back then, parents worked under the rule of, "If somebody kidnapped you, don't worry - after one day, they would bring you back!"
And then we'd go home and inhale seven packs of secondhand smoke and sleep in a bed decorated with lead paint. Ahhhh. The good ole days!
One afternoon, I was riding my bike down the driveway as my sister was riding her Big Wheel down the street, forming a T-intersection. I yelled for her to stop because I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY probably, but neither of us slowed down.
Do you know what happens when a Schwinn t-bones a Big Wheel? The bike suddenly stops, you flip over the handle bars, and you do a quadruple front layout before landing in a big, wet pile of mud. Seriously. It was a maneuver that would make Mary Lou Retton cry. 10! 10! 10! And the crowd goes wild....
Commercial Idea #3: When Bailey was in kindergarten, she told me that she was a big girl and big girls don't use training wheels. I guess starting school really changes a person.
I remembered when I rode a bike at her age. It was easy! Too bad I had no memory of someone actually teaching me how to ride a bike.
So I just yanked those training wheels off and sent her flying down a hill and into some gardenias. She was pretty scratched up and it took me a week to wash that flowery fragrance out of her hair. I guess that's when the other Moms stopped inviting me to Bunco Night.
(This would be more of an instructional video of "what not to do". Think: DIY style.)
Commercial Idea #4: During the first trimester of my pregnancy with Drew, I still had high hopes that, this time, things would be different. I would eat right, exercise and only gain 11 pounds during the entire pregnancy.
Clearly, that dream was dead and buried around week nine.
My sister invited me to join her spin class. Well, that sounds like fun!
But I was really nauseous that morning, so I may or may not have puked all over the stationary bike. Then the instructor may or may not have asked me to leave and never come back. Then I may or may not have burst into tears and drove to McDonald's. Where I may or may not have eaten two orders of Hot Cakes and Sausage.
HEY. Maybe you and Mickey D's could join forces on this one?
Thanks for your time, Schwinn. I'm sure that one of these ideas will be MARKETING GOLD for your company. Yeah, you're welcome. I'll be waiting for your phone call.
This post is sponsored by Schwinn.