Monday, July 2, 2012

Tying Up Loose Ends With Poop

Today I realized that I needed to bring you up to speed on a few things.

1) I still love coffee, doughnuts and shoes.  I know that information didn't require an update, but I always feel better when I say it.  

2) Thanks for signing the Werdyab Twins petition!  I needed to get 50 signatures in order to force persuade Jenny to be in this [potentially hilarious] video.  At last count, we had like 72 names or something.  Yay!  Let the humiliation commence.

Poor Jenny.  She took the news pretty well.  She asked me to call her when I was ready to make the video.  She gave me her number, so I guess she's really serious about it.


2) I know this is supposed to be #3, but when you read what it's about, you'll agree that it should definitely be referred to as a #2.

I never told you the results of my endoscope!  Oops.  My bad.  Didn't mean to leave you hanging like that.

It was just like the "Who Shot JR?" cliffhanger on Dallas in 1980.  Except, you know, there wasn't any media hype and nobody offered me $100,000 per post to come back to the show.  

The endoscope revealed two independent problems. 

The first one was a hiatal hernia.  It's an extra special kind of hernia because part of your stomach goes up into your esophagus.  No wonder I felt so much pressure.  My esophagus was the birth canal, my stomach was the 10-pound baby who got stuck there, and I was the 42-week pregnant chick shouting, "WILL SOMEBODY DO A FREAKIN C-SECTION ALREADY?"  

The doctor made a point of telling me that hiatal hernias are common in older overweight people.  I think he said it 3 times.  And here I thought that I couldn't feel any worse today.  Thanks for going the extra mile, doc.

The doctor also gave me a list of foods to avoid: fatty foods, alcohol, chocolate, coffee, tea, sodas, peppermint, spices, citrus juices, tomatoes and tomato sauces.

Great.  That only excludes 99.6% of what I ingest on any given day.  I hope starvation is as fun as it sounds.

The second problem was a bacteria found in the base of my stomach called Helicobacter Pylori.  Tons of people have this bacteria and most of them don't have any symptoms.  However, if it goes untreated, it could cause ulcers or even stomach cancer.

But I was cancer free and ulcer free.  Phew! A strong dose of antibiotics and I'll be as good as new.

The doctor gave me some material to read about my stomach eating bacteria. Here's an excerpt from the first paragraph:  

"H. pylori is probably spread by consuming food or water contaminated with fecal matter."

Whoa. What?  I ate poop?  Not even I knew that my cooking was that bad.

So I tried to think of a time when I ate "fecal matter".  As if I was actually going to think of one.

"Uhmm, yes, hi.  I'll take a cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, poop, mustard and ketchup with a side of fries, please. Thanks."
"Hey, let's try that new steakhouse on Baker Street.  I hear the filets are craptastic!" 
"No, it's fine.  We'll just grab a bite at the concert.  I can't wait for Poopapalooza!"

But none of that happened.  I couldn't think of one single time when I knowingly ingested poop.

Wait.  Does Taco Bell count?

Do you know what's the best part about having a big camera stuck down your throat?  (Other than the drunk-off between me and Charlie at Waffle House, of course.)  IT'S THE PICTURES.

Warning: These are actual photos of the inside of my esophagus and stomach.  After this post, a jury of my peers will probably force me to change my web address to www.TMI-y'all!.com.

The first photo was from the beginning of the test.

My endoscope started about 1:30 PM and I hadn't eaten any food since midnight, so I was STARVING.  And apparently, my stomach is as outspoken as I am.  In fact, my stomach is thinking about starting its own blog.  You might want to go ahead and bookmark it.

The second photo was of the hiatal hernia, also known as, GET MY STOMACH OUT OF MY ESOPHAGUS NOW!

And, listen -  I'm no doctor and I don't claim to understand modern medicine, BUTT I couldn't help but wonder how they knew it was a poop bacteria from just looking at it.  

But then I saw this photo and the answer became pretty obvious.

So now, when you tell me that I'm full of crap, I can't argue with you.

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  1. Yes, Taco Bell counts! Funny! The pictures make me second guess the decision I had made not to post spit-up pictures on my blog. I was too chicken.

    1. My husband said these photos turned his stomach (no pun intended).

  2. Oh my word! How disgusting and funny! So glad you're getting treated, but yes, it's sad there have to be so many diet changes. That's the way life gets as we...AGE. YUK. I'm hearing that more and more from my doc too. Carbs are getting to be a prob, along with dairy and sugar and anything else tasty. My guess is the poop was on some produce you ingested. That's usually the culprit. :-) Feel better!

    1. Thank you! And it figures that it was the one healthy thing that I ate that probably made me so sick. ;)

  3. Just your title made me want to come check things out... who knew there would be pictures and EVERYTHING! ;) Glad you are getting answers to your problems.

    1. Thanks! Hopefully, I'll be back to 100% soon. My husband said that he thought the photos took it one step too far. And I said, "Thank you". :)

  4. Funny thing is, I got here from a BEAUTIFUL list of 20 things mothers should tell their sons, off Pintrest. I haven't lol'd at a blog since I read The Blogess' six foot metal chicken. Knock knock...

    My lady? You have just made a fan!!

    1. Yay! And you have just made my day! :)

    2. Oh, and I've read that six foot metal chicken post, too. HILARIOUS. :)

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