Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I'm negative about negativity

Bloggers are artists. You might not think of us that way because there's no blog posts hanging in the Louvre or the Met, but it's art just the same. We are like painters - our oils are honesty, humor, and emotion; our canvas is the World Wide Web.

And just like all artists, we want you to like us. I mean, we really want you to like us. But if you don't, that's okay, too.

I can't stand Lady Gaga music, I hated all the Harry Potter books, and I wouldn't cast Kristen Stewart to make a collect phone call, but some of you might disagree with me. Well, except for that Kristen Stewart thing. I mean, seriously.

The point is that we're all entitled to our opinion.

I wrote a post called 20 Things A Mother Should Tell Her Son in about 15-minutes on a Sunday afternoon while cooking dinner. If I had known that millions of people were going to read it, I probably would have spent more time of it. I would have devoted a solid twenty.

It's like that dream where you accidentally go to school naked, except my school was the Internet and my class was the population of New York. Suddenly I was all like, 'Does this blog make me look fat? Is my HTML on straight?' I swear, it was just like middle school all over again.

Since then, I've read hundreds of negative comments, several articles personally attacking my parenting, and one message board full of people convinced that I'm single-handedly ruining the next generation of men. (You're welcome, by the way.) And unfortunately, on most days, the hundreds of criticisms outweigh the millions of shares. I'm no mathematician, but that doesn't make any sense.

I don't mind you disagreeing with me. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I love it because that means I made you think. You read my list and thought to yourself, "Pfft. Really? She's so stupid. If this was my list, I would tell my son...."

And that's just awesome. If my stupidity inspires you, then I'll be happy to be this moronic again tomorrow.

Disagreeing is fine, but please do not attack me personally. Counterpoint my thoughts. Share your opinions. Just don't cut me with your switchblade, m'kay?

"You are stupid and selfish."
"I don't know what dinosaur wrote this, but move out of the south!"
"When you teach a false doctrine, you are not helping you're children, but you are destroying their lives before they get a chance to live."
"You are raising a mangina. Your son doesn't have a chance."
"And look at the advice she gave her daughter?  Let's just say that I feel sorry for her husband having to live with somebody like that."
"What closed minded dumbass wrote this?"
"My first thought was that you hated all men and you were divorced (not remarried) and bitter, but I read one post implying that you loved your husband."
"It could be read as gender discrimination either way - either you are over-protective about your daughter or that you just don't care about boys."
"I will pray the Lord takes away all the hate in your heart."
"Whoever wrote this is an idiot."
"It's not easier having sons. You have to teach them values and morals too."
"Are you really this stupid?"
"This is seriously the most paranoid thing that I've read on here."
"You are raising the type of son that you are trying to protect your daughter against."

And that doesn't include all the people who just said they hated it or they weren't impressed.  Ahem.

I would say it didn't bother me, but I don't lie on my blog (that much).

Other bloggers have also shared their opinions about cyber-bullying.

Michele, of the hilarious blog ODNT, wrote about her feelings when she received hate mail, which eventually turned into a public Twitter breakup. And every blogger knows, a Twitter breakup is the worst kind.

Leslie, of the award-winning blog The Bearded Iris, took down her comment section for the summer after a photograph was criticized inappropriately. I saw the photograph and I thought it was pure awesomeness.

It's good to know I'm not alone.

When I read the personal attacks posted about me, I felt like Robin Williams talking to Matt Damon on the park bench in the movie Good Will Hunting: "But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine and you ripped my fucking life apart?"

I'm an artist and I painted something - something original that I created - but you took one look at my painting and you called me an idiot, a horrible wife, and a bad mom. And that's not nice, y'all! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

You cannot possibly understand the depths of me as a woman, wife, mother, or writer simply from reading one post. I've been hanging out with me my entire life, and I haven't gotten me figured out yet.

Online bullying has become just like road rage. It's too easy for us to login and release our personal frustration on strangers without any accountability or repercussion. In short, we need to stop giving people the cyber-finger while we're stuck in traffic on the information highway.

Years ago, I watched an interview on VH-1 with Rosie O'Donnell about Madonna. She said that she and Madge were on an elevator in New York shortly after Madonna dyed her hair black. A stranger got on the elevator, said, "You're Madonna, right? Your hair looks like shit like that", and then he got off at the next floor as if he hadn't said a word. Rosie said that Madonna was genuinely upset about it, and even teared up over the insult.

It stuck with me because I think somebody like Madonna is invincible. But wait, Madonna cared about what some stranger said to her? The same woman who can do 42 hours of yoga per day, she cried? Imagine how somebody like me must feel. I haven't seen the inside of a yoga studio since, well, ever.

I'm not what you'd call a "thick-skinned" person. In fact, my skin is so thin that you can determine my blood type simply by looking at my forearm, but I'm learning. I'm learning how to take those hurtful words and put them in a box. I deal with them when it's appropriate, and when it's not, I shut the lid and walk away.

Last night, I went home and kissed my husband and hugged my children. We laughed and talked and played ball together in the yard. I tucked my babies into bed and snuggled up with my husband before drifting off to a peaceful sleep, and I didn't allow those negative comments to define me as a person.

So you didn't ruin my day. You were just a part of it.

75 comments:

  1. YAY! I really do not see how a thinking person did not GET what you were trying to say in the first place. And yes personal attacks online have become commonplace!

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    1. Sad, isn't it? But that's why we all have to keep our chin up. Haters gonna hate. :)

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  2. Some people need to make other people bad to make themselves feel better. Those of us writers who are brave enough to put our most personal thoughts and stories out there for the world to see are bound to get more negativity. (It is the equivalent of shouting curses at someone and then driving away fast because you know you are far too much of a wuss to say all that to their face.) Starting a dialogue because they disagree is great. Cowardly insults because they make you feel all big and bad are just sad. Pity those people. You are a great writer and I do not know you but I am sure you are a fine mother as well! And you are secure enough as a writer and a mom that you are willing to put it out there for others to share! Keep up the good work, I am rooting for you.

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    1. Thank you, Jenn. It's important that people like you and me keeping doing what we do. If writing makes us happy, then maybe some of that happiness will make somebody else happy. And if it doesn't, then there's plenty of other blogs to read. :)

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  3. OMG! You of all people cyber-bullied! You are one of the kindest souls I know and knowing you I know you took all those negative comments to heart. Well, I'm glad you called them out on this blog and didn't throw in the towel due to their negativity and apparent ignorance. So, you know I've got your back if these cyber-bullies want to come out from behind their computer screens and into the real world because you know they wouldn't have made these comments to your Face. That said I think you are a Beautiful person inside and Out, a Very, VERY Excellent Mother and wife. You are a very Brilliant, creative and Talented person. So, I know you wouldn't say this to them so I will for you, "You cyber-bullies can Kiss Amanda's A$$." And if you don't like what she writes then DON'T READ IT & if you're gonna COMMENT ON IT with such Rudeness, she does have A lot of People the WILL Disagree with you, so THINK before you COMMENT because she can handle your negativity but you might not be able to handle what her FANS/FRIENDS/FAMILY will come back at you with. So, anyway, those are my thoughts on this just thought I'd share and let you know, Amanda, I think you're AWESOME :)

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    1. Stacey, you are amazing! Thank you, dear friend.

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  4. Im floored at all the negative flack you received. I personally laughed my ass off, and loved it. This is a great follow up. I think anyone who writes and puts it out there for others to read is not only an artist, but also brave. It's sad that people hide behind their computers to spout hatred like that. Then, go tell their children how wrong it is to bully. There's a real disconnect. I hope all those people that left a negative comment get a chance to read this as well. Bravo.

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    1. I feel brave... until I put something out there and think 'please don't hate me, please don't hate me, please don't hate me...' ;) The fear makes me feel cowardly. I guess writing the next post is what makes me brave. :) Thanks for your words!

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  5. Way to go BFF!! I thought the post was great and obviously not meant to be taken seriously!!! You rock!!!! Don't let anyone tell you different!!

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    1. Seriously, BFF, don't you know some people who can take care of some people? Hook a sister up!

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    2. I totally know "people" and will hook you up!!! I got your back girl!!!

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  6. I really lived this post . You are very strong not to let those horrid comments get to you. I'm going to go read All the links now and will try to link up my post about Blogher, too. It was my first experience w negative stuff - so your post is timely. Ps: 3 miiion??? Holy wow!

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    1. Oops I meant I "loved" this post, not "lived" it - dang spell check.

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    2. I watched some of that negative stuff toward you on Twitter, and I was all like, WHAT THE HECK?! Sheesh. Some people.

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  7. Amanda, knowing how much you love BOTH of your babies, and the sense of humor and strength that you face life with made all those mean words seem so bizarre. XOXO.

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    1. Joy, you have been a wonderful friend for years and years (don't worry - I'll never tell anybody exactly how many). Thank you! :)

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  8. I agree with every word! It's so damn hard letting go of what other people think of us. I think it's incredibly brave to not let the haters win and to keep writing! I want to believe that a hateful comment says more about the commenter than whatever he/she is railing against. And it's so hard not to take it all personally. When you look at all the hateful comments for put together, it's comical your post could generate that much spite. A well-crafted, heartfelt response - yay, you!

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    1. Sometimes it's almost impossible not to take it personally, but I try to keep a positive attitude. Thank you so much for your sweet words! XOXO

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  9. Nice Job A! I was in the "public eye" for nearly 20 years and let me tell you... some people are mean. Some folks just don't seem to grasp that you may exercise comedic license and write a little for effect and NOT out of seriousness. And some, are just jealous and bitter. If you are getting hate mail and negative comment, take heed... you're in fantastic company! Mark Twain took tons of punishment from the lemmings and sycophants around him. His response, "As soon as I start writing things that all of my friends agree with, It's time to find new friends." March on baby... March on.

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    1. Such a wonderful quote, Chris! I'm going to hang onto that one. You rock! Literally and figuratively. :)

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  10. You are the kindest soul with a beautiful heart and a great family that you fight for everyday in all the ways that count-

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  11. I used to write columns for newspapers and was always thrilled to get hate mail. The editors would crowd around a table in the kitchen and share ours, laughing over the misspellings and OUTRAGE!!!! within.

    People that read obviously light-hearted pieces on parenting and get all pissy are either struggling with hemorrhoids or have had their senses of humor surgically removed. Give them no thought.

    I had one "blogger" criticize me for calling my kid crotchfruit in a piece - hello? fruit of thy loins? crotchfruit! - and she didn't bother to confront me about it, she just wrote a passive-aggressive post about me instead. Then she proceeded to write another post where she bragged about pretending to leave her four year old at the house for not being ready on time.

    Yes, yes. I see. Silly names are SO much worse than emotionally abusing your child.

    Anyway, like I said, screw 'em. They're not worth it. Those people who think they're perfect parents will reap what they sow when their children shock them by presenting therapy bills at Christmas one year. The rest of us, well, we go to therapy together. :) We understand it's hard work and needs a few moments of levity here and there.

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    1. I would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall during those break table meetings! And, I think it's completely inappropriate for bloggers to blast off about one another. Again, if you don't like the blog, there are plenty of others out there.

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  12. I have been blogging for a while now, and have yet to receive a negative comment. However, I am not funny and I usually steer clear of strong opinions because I hate conflict. I admire all of you who really put yourselves out there honestly. I think the anonymity of the internet makes people forget their manners and say things that they would never say to a person's face. I have submitted articles to Mamapedia, but they haven't picked mine. Perhaps Mamapedia just wants to stir the pot by publishing articles they know will create controversy(?) Anyway, your post there was a good thing because now you know who your true fans are, and you've gained new followers. Screw the haters!

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    1. I never got "hate mail" until recently. I think once one person starts it, people love jumping in there. Screw the haters!... I think I'll cross-stitch that and hang it in my living room. :)

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  13. Amanda, I found that article that received the hateful responses charming, witty and tongue in cheek. Shame on those people! Not for replying a different opinion, but for attacking you! They have no clue as to the warm, inviting and loving mother that you are. Their hate filled replies reflect more on who they are and how they perceive you than who you actually are. Oh, and by the way, maybe some of them need to come down to the South so we can teach them some good old fashioned manners! ...Bless their hearts...

    ~Stacy B

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    1. Stacy, I think we should take them out to the Rabbit Cages and show them who's boss! ;) Love ya, girl!

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  14. Erin Miller TossponAugust 8, 2012 at 11:13 AM

    I liked your list so much, I gave it to my 17 yr old son to read. Well done.

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  15. It was this very post that led me to your blog and though I was immediately drawn to your writing because of your humor, I have stayed because of your multi-dimensional writing (and singing/video)talents!

    The fact that hundreds of criticisms outweighed THREE MILLION views makes me so angry that negativity has so much power over the positive.

    Close to THREE MILLION people read your post and most likely chuckled about it, printed it off &/or shared it with their friends (that is how I found it).

    As much as I can relate with personal attacks cutting like a knife (I wish there was some kind of blocker for such comments) ... I hope that you can keep telling yourself time and time again, that SEVERAL MILLION people quietly loved it as you helped us see the humor in every day life.

    Your writing makes me smile, makes me think and keeps me coming back for more. Shame on me for not writing to tell you that sooner. Let's give the positive the power it so deserves!!

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    1. Colleen, I think I need a little more of you in my life. Would you consider adoption or maybe a sisterhood of the traveling pants sort of thing?

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  16. Growing up I learned, as I'm sure we all did, that we are to treat others as we wish to be treated. Of course, there are things I learned as a child that I've long forgotten (how about Algebra 2?? :) How can an adult forget to be kind and respectful, even when you may have a difference of opinion? This is your blog, your thoughts, your opinions, your blank canvas! You utilized your freedom of speech - it's a shame that others used theirs in such a rude and negative way. If they disagree, well that's life. Perhaps, next time folks, just reply "I disagree." No need to be personally insulting. This post wasn't designed as an instruction manual for mom's to be given out at birth. Please don't take humor so seriously! It's a shame that a lot of adults still play like their on the playground, calling other adults names ...

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    1. They're .... sometimes forgetting they're and their still happens! ha!

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    2. I agree! Why be so angry? It kind of reminds me of "Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten."... like, don't crap on somebody's blog just because you're having a bad day. That should be added to the list. :)

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  17. You ROCK! Thanks for writing this!

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  18. I'm negative about negativity too! I say "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything!" or if it's important at least think "it's not what you say it's how you say it!"

    I'm glad you wrote this! Will Momapedia post this too?!?!?!

    I'm a blogger too (not nearly as funny as you) and you inspire me!

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  19. I have been friends with Amanda since 1987...she is not only smart but has the best sense of humor. She is not afraid to be the woman she is today...a loving and devoted mother and wife to her beautiful family. Those who are too quick to judge reminds me of a Lifetime after school special...bullying needs to be stopped. We all have the right to voice our opinion but sometimes others cross the line. I strongly feel those who have attacked my friend have also insultated and attacked her friends and family. Amanda has stated correctly about being an artist...she has a gift in helping others smile while looking at the brighter side of life. I am proud to call her my friend and support her 100% with her Blogs, Music, Painting and her writing. There is a saying "If God Brings You To It He Will Bring You Through It." Keep moving forward Amanda :)

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    1. Amy, it's totally fine to say that you've been friends with me since 1987, as long as you follow it up with "when we were in the newborn nursery at the hospital". ;) LYLAS - not just one of our favorite 80s references, but for reals. Love you, Amy D!

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  20. I am happy you didn't let the negativity get the best of you and that you are still here sharing with us. I really enjoy reading your blog. I have been reading alot about moms being bashed on their blogs lately and so it makes me hesitant to even start one! Jeez...You are really brave and inspiring.

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    1. It's such a catch 22... you want more people to read (like people that aren't your best friends/ relatives), but then strangers love blog bashing. And blog bashing sucks. :) Thanks for your comment!

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  21. This is what I wish: if you make a comment, you have to use your name. Our local newspaper has stopped all anonymous comments in their online edition. I guess what is the most eye opening about this World WIde Web is that you can't keep living your life believing that most people are like you and would never hurt anyone's feelings intentionally and with malice. But then again, are the meanies just the most vocal? I have two sons, one in college and one about to start high school, and a copy of 20 Things is on my desk.

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    1. I agree!! I think I can actually change that on blogger, so maybe I'll check that out. And thank you for keeping that 20 Things post. You are a doll! Thanks!

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  22. I personally loved this particular blog about your son! Men are to behave in a certain way! I Plan to teach my son to respect a woman and himself!
    Clearly, these ppl don't you and don't know how much you love and care about your
    Family! Don't let this kind of hate and
    Meanness stop you from
    Something that you are really good at! I for 1 truly enjoy all your
    Blogs!!! Keep ur chin up and keep writing! Hugs!

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    1. Angie, you're a great friend. Thanks, girl! See you at the ballpark some time. :)

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  23. Thanks, Amanda, for letting me be a part of this piece. Sometimes it's hard not to hear the one jackass braying in a room full of softly mewing kittens. Chin up, sweetheart. THREE MILLION. Hot damn. I can't touch that. :)

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    1. Thank you, sweet girl. I appreciate you letting me link to your posts! And yeah, the whole 'millions of views' thing really freaked me out. There for a while, my daily hits were more than 100,000. I didn't post anything for over a week because I was so scared! It's much easier to be creative when nobody's looking. :) Thanks again, Michele!

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  24. Replies
    1. Will you be the roll to my rock? I think we could buy a bus and tour the country. :) Thanks, girl!

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    2. Let me see if I can find a cheap sitter for the kid.

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  25. I first saw your 20-things post on pinterest and loved it immediately. What disturbs me about our society is that people have forgotten how to respect each other. People are cruel and call it freedom of speech but can't be bothered to actually put their own names to their comments. So many of the negative comments I noticed were posted as "anonymous". I recently left a job where I was critisized regularly for doing the work that was my job description. The people I worked with resented that the job existed at all and I became a punching bag for their frustrations. What bothered me the most was that the criticisms launched at me were often "anonymous". It sucks. BUT, your list was FABULOUS!!! And, it's YOUR list. If someone disagrees, they can certainly state their thoughts respectfully and open intelligent dialogue or they can keep their venom to themselves. Hang in there, girl. You seem like a great mom. And, as my 6th grade students say, "Haters will hate."

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    1. So true! People use freedom of speech as an excuse for hate. Freedom of speech might make it legally okay for you to say something, but whether or not it's morally or ethically okay to say it is a completely different story. I'm so sorry to hear about your job, but it sounds like that was a blessing. You don't need to surround yourself with that kind of negativity! Keep moving on... their loss. Thanks, again!

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  26. I experience this whenever my blog is featured on a website. You would think my material (kids napping) would be pretty light and unimpeachable, but people say the most awful things! It made me sick to my stomach and I finally had to stop reading comments on such features.
    It never ceases to amaze me how people feel the need to scold other parents online. Bravo to you for finding a way to rise above it. It is SO hard and it feels so very personal. Good for you for writing this post, and thank you!

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    1. I love your blog! I can't imagine how anybody would have a problem with it! It's tough, but we gotta keep on keepin' on. Thanks, Alicia!

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  27. I loved your blog post. I am PROUD to be from the South. I think it today's world technology has made it impossible in some respects to remain personal and human. With computers and other forms of communication devices you can spew what ever hate you want and not be accountable for it so to speak as if you said it to a crowd of people who would hold you accountable at that very moment. We have become a tolerant society of bad behavior. I am not someone who looks for rainbows and unicorns all the time, I do look for kindness, mutual respect, and just a peek of humanity. Manners are desperately needed for both men and women and for whatever reason has been taken out of the general child rearing today. If you dont believe me go and volunteer at any school you wish and just see what this world is developing into with out them. I love your list and I am so glad it has been seen million of times. After all I have a son and two daughters and they will be married some day and i hope with all my heart they will marry someone who has been taught by mothers and fathers who show them how to be respectful, kind, decent, human beings.

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    1. Thank you so, so much! And I totally agree - respect, kindness and decency goes a long way!

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  28. I feel your pain! I had a similar experience when one of my blog posts was published there. Who knew a post on birthday traditions would be so controversial!! Kudos to you for calling out the people who turn what could be a well stated difference of opinion into an unwarranted personal attack. You're my hero!

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    1. I guess people can find controversy in anything - even birthday traditions? Who knew? :) Thanks for the kudos, girl! I appreciate it.

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  29. OK so you know l had to go back and read "20 things..." and all l can say is thank you. I loved what you wrote and l have a grown son with a healthy, happy marriage to prove that is the way to raise up a son. I also have a teenage daughter who will be looking for those qualities in the man she marries. Respect and be respected.

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    1. Thank you. It's good to see that Anonymous has something nice to say to me for a change. ;) I'm so glad you loved the list. It's hard to go wrong when we respect each other. Thanks for your kind words!

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  30. I am still baffled by how people can be so dumb as think it was serious. This post is well written, and from the heart. Comments are over-rated, but necessary for discussion. It's a good reminder that when we put ourselves out there, we just never know HOW it will be read. All that can be done is to keep doing it. :-)

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  31. WOW...let's see. Hummm...line number 8."What closed minded dumbass wrote this?" Well Bless your heart stupid...YOU DID! Look in the mirror. 13 "I will pray the Lord takes away all the hate in your heart.". Worry about the plank in your eye first. Somewhere you missed being a Christian so I don't know who you would be sending a prayer to anyway. 14. "Whoever wrote this is an idiot." Enough said. You're right. Ding Ding Ding...we have a winner! 16. "Are you really this stupid?" Yes...apparently YOU are. And my favorite.. 17. "This is seriously the most paranoid thing that I've read on here." Yes it is...you get the blue ribbon. Put the ribbon next to your eyes of toad and hair of dog, etc. The rest are just too stupid to try to have a comeback. YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID. Here's your signs!

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    1. Are we related? haha! I love you, Mom!

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  32. I read your post that someone posted on Pinterest....and didn't realize until now that it was you that posted it....IT. WAS. PRECIOUS.
    The people who wrote the "negative" (hateful) comments are the ones that are closedminded with hate in their hearts. Your're doing a great job...keep it up. I so enjoy reading your blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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