Friday, September 7, 2012

A Lesson in Flattery

I went to Subway for lunch.

After ordering my sandwich, I handed my debit card to the young cashier.  He was probably 18 or 19-years-old, and on most days, I bet he feels like a total grown-up.  But to me, he looked more like a baby who just quit sucking his thumb and gave up his wubbie, like, yesterday.

He said, "You look good..."

Uhmmm, what?  I'm sorry, sonny, that's my bad ear.  Did you say I look good?  Well, which one are ya, son?  Crazy or perverted?

Either way, bless your heart.

But don't worry - this isn't a story about how a young man with poor vision said something flattering to me.  BECAUSE THAT STORY WOULD BE BORING.  And 9.9987625 times out of 10, a total bold-faced lie.

No, this is a story about what not to do.

Because where he should have put a period in his sentence, he put " for your age" instead.  

Please allow me to rewind the tape.

Rerrararrrra... That's supposed to be the sound of a tape rewinding, by the way -  even though it reads more like a cat fighting over some food thrown out behind a restaurant.

Oh, and if it may please the court, I would like to present Exhibit A:  the sound a tape rewinding.  As in, the non-digital recording of something.  Hellooooo?!  Is there any doubt that I'm too old to be attractive to that crazy, blind, perverted Subway kid?  I didn't think so.

So here's the playback:  "You look good... for your age."

Translation? You look slightly better than most of the old hags who come in here.

Uhmmm, thanks, I guess?

As if the poorly drawn cartoons weren't a dead giveaway, this photo is a dramatic reenactment.  I couldn't risk taking a pic with my phone and him thinking that I was posting it on the Internet.  ONLY A CRAZY PERSON WOULD DO THAT.

Now back to my story.  Ahem.

Listen, son, I'm old enough to have given birth to you.  But since I didn't, please allow me to school you on something about women.

There are certain things you should never talk about:

Like, our weight.

Those little wrinkles around the corners of our eyes.

Why Fifty Shades of Grey is the best piece of literature ever written.

How much we liked the High School Musical movies.

How we think Call Me Maybe is the best song on the radio.

Why we watched Magic Mike for the articles.

And never ever, under any circumstances, refer to our age for any reason.

See, age is a funny thing for women.

When we're young, we actually want to be older so we'll be respected and responsible.  But when we're older, we realize that we aren't necessarily any more respected or responsible than when we were young.

Instead, we look wrinkled, gravity isn't our friend, and it takes us a week to recover from taking our kids to Six Flags.  It's the ultimate buzz-kill.

So, to the young Subway cashier:  Please learn to put a period where it belongs in your sentence.  It will really help you out with women, you know, once you're old enough to date.  And please, save your compliments for girls your own age who don't want to pick you up by your ear and ask you if you kiss your mother with that mouth.

And when in doubt, my age is always 29.

Now give me my damn sandwich.

I'm linking up with Yeah Write.  


  1. When I was around 30, and Lane was still a toddler, I was in line at TJ Maxx (without said toddler), and the teenage cashier is staring at me--hard. He can't take his eyes off of me. I am silently congratulating myself with, "that's right, girl, you still look good, even after having a baby...just look at this young thing checking you out...I still got it, yes sir". As I'm taking my bags, he can restrain himself no longer and blurts out, "do you have a daughter named Britany? Because you look just like a girl in my social studies class." What!? You think old enough to have a daughter in HIGH SCHOOL?! I just turned 30 for crying out loud! Sigh. I've harbored no false illusions about my youth ever since.

  2. It's a difficult thing, getting the "for your age" add-on. Luckily (?) my daughter keeps it real for me by pointing out my moustache and asking if I'm pregnant on a semi-daily basis.

  3. My kids keep asking me what it was like when I was a kid - I'm 36 - they are thinking it was little house on the prairie - dude. We had VCRs and Cell phones - granted they were bigger than the computers we have now, but give me a break. I'm not that old!

  4. I always feel old when I realize that the parents of the other Kindergartners could almost be my children. And that feeling will only get worse because my twins are only almost 17 months old, so by the time I get them to Kindergarten, I could be their classmates' grandmother.

  5. I love this because I think that guy's cousin or twin or best friend or something works at the Subway by my office. Also, I like the High School Musical movies too. But we won't talk about that.

  6. You're hilarious. And who says that without realizing that it's an insult? Who? And what's he hoping to get out of that interaction anyway?

  7. I don't look all that great for my age - unless people think I'm ten years older than I am. So I tell them I'm 52 instead of 42, and we're all set! :)

  8. I have missed you on the grid. This is a very funny post. I wondered if you are a lawyer because you knew a thing or two about introducing exhibits. IMPRESSIVE. You are hilarious. And I love Subway but they better not say that crap to me.

  9. I just posted on the strange happenings that take place in Subway. The guy can't help it. Wearing gloves and being surrounded by hard salami all day has warped his mind. His statement deserves a block of cheese slammed into his forehead. Funny post.

  10. What a little twerp. He'll learn. . .in another decade or so.

  11. This is hilarious! As an aging woman who happens to be turning a year older TOMORROW, I can totally relate to this. By the way, you're gorgeous and that little boy needed the schooling.

  12. Oh I hate that! I keep turning 39 every year so you are WAY younger than I am. Good thing it wasn't me in there ;)

    This was so funny. I knew what the tape sound was. Just saying.

  13. So much fun to read! I love the part about picking that kid up by his ear ... and would pay money to see that video footage! Thank you for including not mentioning the little lines around my eyes - I'm pretending they're invisible on my 39 again self and I appreciate your support in my little fantasy.

  14. Yes! "For your age" always implies there is an age for optimal hotness and you are clearly not at that age and therefore not optimally hot. I know I'm not optimally hot but do I want to hear about it? Hint: no.

    I really enjoyed reading this. It was funny but also true. Because clearly "Call Me Maybe" is a fine piece of pop music. Especially when Jimmy Fallon and The Roots play it on middle school band instruments.

  15. Ha, I can empathize with this. I was recently at a bar and a woman said to me "You're good looking....for a man." Maybe not as offensive as the "for your age" comment. But the period would have been just fine right after "You're good looking."

  16. I loved the part about women wanting to be older right up until they realize it doesn't come with respect attached. I've always wanted to be in my thirties. I'm SO HAPPY HERE IN MY THIRTIES. I'm planning to revel in the next five years. And I think my mom was in in her sixties or so before she started feeling uncomfortable with her age, so I think I'm in good shape for a few more years. But a thoughtless remark like that? Could set the decades of self talk back by a long damned time.

  17. I'm glad you schooled him...he needed it! You did the world a favor.

  18. Haha, oh some people's children.
    You made some good points, and as always you did it while making me smile! :-)

  19. What in the world is wrong with that boy? I don't care how good any of us feel about our age, none of us need to hear that!!