What do me, Taylor Swift, and a goat have in common?

As you might have read here, I took my daughter to the Taylor Swift concert and learned that I'm too old to enjoy concerts anymore.

I asked Bailey to invite her friend, Carlee, because of what happened last time:

"Yay! Taylor Swift tickets!!! But, is anybody going with me?"

Of course somebody's going with you. Me. Duh.

"So, nobody's going with me that's... cool?"

Of course somebody's going with you that's cool. Me. Duh.

Check out Bailey's face while I was dancing and singing "Love Story" at the top of my lungs.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, that's worth a thousand and one.

On the way to the concert, the girls were sitting in the back of the SUV. At one point, I think we were actually traveling in different zip codes. They whispered quietly - careful not to include "the Mom" in any of their urgent conversations about Instagram or Justin Bieber's relationship status.

I felt like someone who didn't have a date to the prom, so I tagged along with another couple, feeling very third-wheelish the entire night, sitting by myself in the corner and eating sausage balls. Not that that actually happened, as far as you know.

So how was the concert, you ask? It was great!

I know your time is valuable, so here's all you need to know:

Taylor Swift flung her hair around, danced awkwardly, sang about her feelings, and talked about her ex-boyfriends a lot. Oh, and Ed Sheeran is really British. I couldn't testify in a court of law to a single word he said.

That's it. That's all you missed.

I heard an interview with Taylor before the show. She said that she focused on music for this tour, instead of theatrics like she did in the past.

Really? Because there was a lot of this going on.

Photo Source

Kind of looks like theatrics to me. I bet Taylor describes "Phantom of the Opera" as a couple of kids hanging out in their basement and listening to music.

During live performances, Taylor often cuts her eyes toward one side of the crowd and waits for them to scream. Like this:

Photo Source

It's pretty awkward. Reminds of a college professor I had once: "And.........................  the fact is.......................... you know....................... uhmmmmm..................... that when....................... uhhhhhh.....    photosynthesis occurs.............."

And since the tour is called "Red", be prepared to see a lot of red stuff: red lips, red nails, red shoes, red guitars, red dresses, etc. And considering all the people that cussed me out while I was stuck in concert traffic, I even saw red a couple of times.

I hope you like remixes. "You Belong With Me" was a 1950's shoo-wop song. Spoiler Alert: It was terrible. And the "Trouble" remix was really dark. It left me with the same icky feeling that I get when I watch "The Walking Dead" too close to bedtime.

And speaking of "Trouble", have you seen this video yet? (If not, you're welcome.)




It's had over one-million views, and my kids can account for at least 750,000 of them. I can't hear "Trouble" without hearing goats now. I was really hoping that Taylor would bring out some goats, but there wasn't a single farm animal in sight. Not a sheep or a rooster or anything. Such a disappointment.

She puts on a very high energy show with moving sets, acrobats, dancers, costume changes, fireworks, and more. There's also some quiet acoustic times when your undiagnosed A.D.D. can take a breather.

She always interacts with the crowd and everybody loves it. She even crowd surfs.

Photo Source

At our show, someone held up a sign that said, "I'm missing prom for this!", so Taylor thanked her and came off the stage to give her a hug.

Call me cynical, but I'm raising the B.S. flag on that one. How many proms are on a Thursday night? And with a 45-city tour, it's not like she had to travel too far to get to the show. Next time, I'm bringing a sign that says, "I missed my wedding for this!". That should earn Bailey a handshake, at least.

Then again, she could've been talking about cost, as in, I can't afford to buy concert tickets and prom tickets in the same century.

It's not cheap, y'all. Expect to drop $150-$350 per ticket, and you'll be sitting so high up in the nosebleeds, you could join Jupiter's orbit of the sun. Don't forget incidentals like parking, t-shirts, hot dogs, and beer - if you're old enough and need something to numb the pain.

"I'm sorry, Bailey. I wanted to send you to college, but I spent all your college money on Taylor Swift concerts instead." - Me, after a few more Taylor Swift shows.

As Bailey and I were flipping through photos after the concert, we noticed this one.

That's what Taylor Swift songs will do to you, people. I bet that dude was fine with spending a few hundred bucks to make her happy.

And Bailey's face was pretty priceless, too. Yep, totally worth skipping college for.

How Taylor Swift Showed Me That I'm Getting Old

Last week, I went to my third Taylor Swift concert because my daughter is a huge fan or so I say.

Look, I'll admit it, I love T-Swizzle. I love that she's a young girl with a mature soul who writes her own songs about real life experiences.

You know that song she wrote about a breakup she went through? My favorite.

Looking around the arena, it was obvious that Taylor Swift somehow appeals to 8-year-olds the same as 48-year-olds. How does she do that? Try saying that about Yo Gabba Gabba, Dying Fetus or Kenny Rogers. Most performers have a defined demographic while Taylor Swift invites everyone to the party.

And speaking of "everyone", there were plenty of moms there dancing, screaming, and dressed in outfits that should've had age limit restrictions. I watched those idiots trying to act like teenagers and I thought, 'Bless their hearts.'

But then I realized that I was one of those idiots, too. Ahem.

If it would please the court, I would like to present Exhibit A:

Does that look like a woman pushing 40? Yes, it does. Exactly. And that's why I had no business throwing up gang signs or dressing like Justin Bieber.

Bless my heart. Bless Bailey's heart. Bless all our hearts.

Here are a few more things that I learned about concerts and getting older:

Traffic. Unless there's an all-you-can-eat banana split buffet waiting on the other end, it's not worth it. My 45-minute drive to Philips Arena took me 2 1/2 hours. Curse you, Taylor Swift. That traffic was trouble, trouble whoa-ohhhh, oh, oh, oh.

Did I Mention 'Traffic'? Below is a pic of the post-concert traffic situation. Please note that I had two cars sitting perpendicular to cut in front of me, and a third car was backing into my passenger door and blinding me with reverse lights. Meanwhile, we didn't move for over 30-minutes and they were cussing at me for being in their way (i.e., being the only one correctly positioned in the lane). My blood pressure couldn't take it. "Why you gotta be so mean?"

Volume. Here's the thing about concerts: they're really loud. Combine that with all the teenagers screaming, and it was completely overwhelming. My head hurt so bad, I was popping Goody's Headache Powders like Charlie Sheen pops crack rocks at a party. Loud music is the reason that I can't shop at Abercrombie anymore. I think Taylor Swift is next on the list.

Fashion POV. I used to flip through the pages of Vogue to see what I was going to wear, but now it's so I can laugh at what "the kids are wearing these days". But all that changed when I saw Taylor Swift wearing Mom Shorts, or "morts". Check out these high-rise shorts that act like Spanx, keeping your muffin top exactly where it should be: hidden. I'm hoping this trend takes off and 1992 Mom Jeans come back around. Yes, please.

I'm Jaded. Taylor would say things like, "You're the best crowd ever" or "Atlanta is my favorite city to play", and the entire audience would start screaming. Except for me. Because I was all like, 'No, we're not. You're just saying that to make us feel better and then dump us a week before the formal for a Tri-Delt with big boobs.' (I blame my college breakups.)

Sisterhood of the Traveling Gum. I used to love the thrill of a big crowd, but now all I see are germs, bacteria and disease. And nothing says "cool" like being at a concert and wiping your seat with an anti-bacterial cloth.... right? On the way out, I stepped on a giant piece of gum that made me stick to the floor every step. FINALLY, the gum left my shoe, only to be picked up by the next mom walking beside me. Sorry about that, but it was you or me, and Darwinism kicked in.

Midnight Snack. Bailey wanted to eat at Steak 'n Shake on the way home, so we stopped for burgers and milkshakes. Taylor Swift might have sang, "I'm feeling 22", but after eating Steak 'n Shake at midnight, I can confirm that I no longer feel 22.

Check out my Taylor Swift concert cutie. :)

Exhaustion. I can't hang with working all day, going to a concert, getting in bed at 2 AM, and then working all day again. I'm sure my driving skills were impaired like I'd been playing beer pong since New Year's Eve. I'd rather run a half-marathon than go to another weekday concert. Instead of earning a 13.1 sticker for my SUV, I earned this one:

I had a very sad realization after the Taylor Swift concert: me and my youth are never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.