Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Why Running is Bad for Your Health

I ran today and nobody was chasing me. I can't explain it, but there was a moment of weakness when I thought that I could exercise and live to tell about it.

I'm so envious of people who eat their grassfed beef and their all-organic vegetables just before a quick 5-mile jog around the neighborhood. I'm more of a pizza dipped in Ranch dressing and watching American Idol kind of girl.

So let's get to the root of my health quest, shall we? Vanity. Good old fashioned vanity. People who eat healthy and workout just look better than the rest of us. One word: Madonna. How many 53-year-olds look like her? Exactly one.

And speaking of Madonna, celebrities are my favorite excuse. If I had a team of people making me look good, I could look good, too. I'm just a personal trainer, chef, hair stylist, makeup artist, nanny, personal assistant, and in-home gym away from perfection. Throw in a good plastic surgeon and I'm perfection plus one. Or two, you know, depending on the procedure.

I always complain that I don't have enough time to workout, but I make time for other things like eating, shopping, eating, watching the Bachelor, and eating. And if devoted as much time to working out as I do to Facebook, I'd weigh 88-pounds by now.

So I woke up today determined to change that. I was going to make time for exercise. So I thought I'd start off with a run. You know, something easy.

I love runners. They're so awesome, aren't they? And their outfits are so cute. I love those tight black running pants are like Spanx that you wear without clothes over them and nobody judges you. And I'm all for anything that turns my full-size muffin top into Little Bites.

I also needed some new shoes before I started running - not because mine were worn out or anything (insert canned audience laughter here) - because they were out of date.

I bought my last pair of running shoes in 1999. No, ladies and gentlemen, that was not a typo. The first time that you heard Britney Spears on the radio and watched Haley Joel Osment say "I see dead people" was the last time that I ran.

Finally, it was go time. I was doing fine at first. Oh, who am I kidding? I was doing better than fine. I owned that street, y'all. I was gettin' in stride and wavin' to my neighbors. Yes... I'm a runner.... that's what I do....  I run. 

But then - oh, I don't know - somewhere around 30 paces, it got harder.

My heart was pounding so hard that I thought it might jump out of my chest and search for a new host who appreciated the beauty of processed foods and reality TV. If a cardiologist had been running beside me, he would have prescribed Plavix right there on the spot.


Thanks, Pinterest!  I couldn't have said it better myself.


I've always heard about that "runner's high". Is that how you feel just before you pass out? If so, I felt it.

AND HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR BUTT CHEEKS FROM SLAPPING YOUR THIGHS? It's quite distracting, and not to mention, almost painful. I want to invent a new kind of jock strap that keeps a woman's flabby arse from attacking her cottage cheese thighs while she's workin' on her fitness. I'm talking billion dollar industry here, people.

While I was running, every Little Debbie and Dunkin Donut that I've ever eaten filled up my calves, because suddenly, my legs weighed 3,000 pounds, each. I could barely get them off the pavement. I think I left skid marks and I'm not just talking about when I almost crapped my pants.

Hey, remember that "better than fine runner" at the beginning of this story? Well, now I looked a little bit more like Forest Gump as Jenny was shouting, "RUN, AMANDA, RUN".

Those adorable black pants were embarrassed to be seen on my slapping butt cheeks. My Nikes cried tiny, little tears and begged to go back to Footlocker. My pounding heart slowly whispered, "pizza... American Idol... pizza... American Idol..."  

I'm sure it was funny to watch, if you weren't the one looking ridiculous at the time. I wanted to laugh so bad, but I couldn't spare the oxygen. I needed every last breath to stay upright. It was pure Darwinism at that point.

So unfortunately, my first run didn't go as planned. I didn't earn my 26.2 or my 13.1 sticker for the back of my SUV today, but I think I've got the .3 sticker in the bag.




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68 comments:

  1. I enjoyed this SO much!! I shared it with the running club that I "claim" to be a part of, on Facebook anyway!! hahaha! LOVE it! So glad I stumbled across your blog, I have 3 boys and I loved the "20 things you should tell your son" entry. Found it on my new love - Pinterest! Thanks for the laugh!

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    1. If I can discourage just one runner, I feel like I have done my job. ;) Thanks for sharing the post, Wendy! I'm glad you liked it. :)

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  2. This made me laugh out loud ... the exact treat I needed today! :-)

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    1. We all could use a laugh every now and then. Thanks, Kelly!

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  3. This is awesome. You read my mind. Your story reminds me of when I tried running with a friend. I told her I could find a good high at the DQ in our neighborhood. Thank you foe this great story!

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    1. Ain't that the truth! I'll take an Butterfinger Blizzard over a 13.1 any day of the week and twice on Sunday!

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  4. Thanks, y'all! Let's just say that I have a few talents, but running isn't one of them. :)

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  5. Seriously Funny!!! I have been running since the beginning of the year on my treadmill since I live in South Dakota, but yesterday it was 75 out so I did my first run outdoors. I felt like I had never ran before in my life. My lungs were burning and my legs felt like I had 100lb weights on each! And... I stupidly coughed while trying to stay on pace... peed on myself! Disgusting!!

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    1. hahaha! I think the only thing I didn't do was pee on myself. Of course, after two kids, one sneeze and it would have been OVER. :)

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  6. This was the perfect blog (and blog post) for me to find today!

    I have JUST returned to work from my maternity leave and I decided I would walk up the 12 flights of stairs to my office in hopes of avoiding the current image my body has taken on... 2 kids in less than 2 years does NOT do a body good!

    Needless to say... I made it up 5 flights, got on the elevator, rode to floor 11, and (JUST in case someone happened to be paying attention... or even present for that matter... or maybe merely to fool myself into feeling SOME pride) I climbed the last flight of stairs to floor #12 -> and I'll have you know I was STILL red-faced and winded as I plopped my elevator-riding-self desparately into my chair!

    Thank you for making me smile!

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    1. Girl, I have a 10 year old and a 3 year old and I could barely make it around the corner! I'm impressed you made it the 5! Your story reminded me of something I wrote about my husband's post-Super Bowl diet plan... Sound familiar? :) http://www.werdyab.com/2012/02/super-bowl-resolutions.html

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  7. I just found your blog tonight and I have been laughing non-stop! You are a great writer! I love your outlook on life.

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  8. I remember when I first started running, a mile felt like forever..... but the heart workout felt so good. I ended up getting to the point of running 12 miles 2 years
    Later and asked myself a question (after being bit on my butt by a large St Bernard)... Why am I doing this?
    I wanted to mark "ran a marathon" off my bucket list BUT my real goal was just today healthy for my wife and 4 kids and be around a long time. So I dropped down to running about two 5k's a week and started Crossfit. Crossfit is the only thing I've found that gives me a complete workout in 45 minutes. It's amazing, NOTHING like the gym

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    1. David, a couple of great friends are Crossfit fanatics and swear by it. They keep asking me to join them, which I would totally do if it wasn't such hard work. :) The workouts sound amazing, though. My friend Michele said that she can get more out of 15 minutes at Crossfit than she can for an hour on the treadmill.

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  9. Just found your blog, love this post. Thanks for your honesty- hilarious. I am the same way. The way my butt and belly (not to mention boobs) flap around while running- no thanks. LOL

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    1. Running isn't for me, either. :) Thanks for reading!! Stop by anytime. :)

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  10. If I lived anywhere near you, we would be perfect running partners! Your run sounds exactly like all of my attempts at being one of those cute runners! Here's to "flab straps" for all! :)

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    1. Flab Straps?! I LOVE IT. Do you want to be business partners? :)

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  11. I found this to be so funny that I actually let out a giggle or two. My husband heard me and said you must really like what you are reading to which I replied OMG this is hilarious! Keep on blogging...you have a gift.

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  25. تخلص من ي اعطال باجهزتك الكهربائيه عن طريق عروض صيانة الكتروستار لتقديم افضل خدمات الصيانة الدوريه و الفوريه لكل الاجهزة الكهربائيه

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  27. افضل انواع قراميد الاسباني يمكنك الحصول عليها من شركة البدر باقل الاسعار و كل انواعه و توفير كل الوانه

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  30. تعد شركة البدر وكيل معتمد لبيع جميع انواع الفرميد لانها وكيل معتمد لشركات عالمية في انتاج القرميد ويتوافر لدينا قرميد اسباني التي يتهاتف علية جميع الناس لما فيه من مميزات عن الباقي ونقوم بتوفير جميع الطلبيات الممكن ان تطلب منا في اي وقت

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  31. احصل الآن على خدمات صيانة فريش بأقل التكاليف في مصر ، و ذلك عن طريق التواصل مع مراكزنا المعتمدة التي تقدم ايضًا خدمات صيانة يونيفرسال بإستخدام قطع غيار اصلية .

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  33. لمعرفة اسعار و خدمات مراكز صيانة جولدي المعتمدة في مصر قم بزيارة فروعنا المتوفرة في جميع المحافظات او قم بزيارة الموقع الالكتروني الخاص بالشركة العالمية التي تقدم كافة خدمات الصيانة و اصلاح اعطال الاجهزة الكهربائية .

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  34. اذا كنت تريد التواصل مع صيانه يونيفرسال يمكنك التواصل معهم الان في اي وقت واي مكان حيث انهم يقوموا بتوفير افضل الاساليب الخاصه بهم التي تعمل علي صيانة واصلاح جميع انواع الاجهزه الكهربائية المنزلية بمختلف انواعها كما يمكنك الاعتماد عليها في اعمال الرتكيب لان لدينا فريق عمل متخصص في ذللك .

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  35. خدمتنا الان متوفرة ,وباقل الاسعار المختلفة من صيانة تكنوجاز التى تقدم افضل الخدمتنا من صيانة باناسونيك , كما انهم من اهم انواع الصيانانة فى مصر ويوجد فريق من عملاء الصيانة المتخصصون فى كافة تصليح الاجهزة الكهربائية .

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  36. يمكنكم الان الحصول على اكبل الصيانات فى مصر , من صيانة جليم جاز التى تقدم افضل العملاء النتخصصون فى العديد من المميزات والخصومات التى تقدمة اليكم , خدمتنا الان متوفرة من توكيل جليم جاز للحصول علية يمكنكم الان التواصل معنا

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  37. نقدم اليكم افضل الصيانات التى توجد فى جميع محافظات مصر الان صيانة كاريير التى له اهمية كبرى , كما انة تقوم بتطوير نفسة فة اقل وقت ممكن من توكيل كاريير , كما نقدم العديد من المهندسين فى كافة تصليح الاجهزة الكهربائية المختلفة فى اقل وقت ممكن يمكنكم الحصوال على الجهاز ويقومة بتشغلية امام

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  38. يمكنكم الان الحصوابل على افضل مصحات التشيك التى تقدم افضل العلاجات الطبيعية التى تخلصكم جميعنا من التعب الذي يوجد عند كبار السن الذينا يعانة منة كثيرا , كما اننا نقدم افضل الاستخدامات الطبية فى الصحات التشيكية فى مصر .

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  39. نقدم الان افضل انواع قرميد التى تقاوم العديد من درجات لحرارة المختلفة , كما انهم من اهم النواع المتخصص فى الديكورات , كما ان المملكة العربية السعودية تهتم بالعديد من الديكورات نقدم الان افضل انواع قرميد و طوب التى نقدمهم اليكم , وباقل الاسعار الممكن

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