Embarrassment + Chinese Torture = Relaxation

I had a day to myself WITHOUT CHILDREN.

Did the all caps text indicate my excitement?  No?  Well, how about this?  WITHOUT CHILDREN.  Maybe in red?  WITHOUT CHILDREN.  Listen, I'm willing to add as much HTML code as necessary to get the point across.

Some people might have used this opportunity to clean their house from top to bottom.  Some people might have worked on their household budget.  Some people might have gone to the gym for back-to-back Zumba, Body Pump, and Yoga classes.

And if you know any of those people, TELL THEM THEY'RE CRAZY.  This is a day off!  Let's live it up!


So I decided to do my own personal version of a workout, which included walking around the mall and swiping my debit card until the money ran out.  I think Jillian Michaels has a new DVD coming out on it soon.  

Ahhhh.  The mall.

Don't you just love the mall?

I get a happy high from walking in, seeing the busy shoppers, smelling the freshly brewed coffee, and even avoiding those uber-annoying kiosk people.  "Hello, ma'am. Can I ask you a question? Would you like to try this lotion? Does your makeup contain wax? Do you have a flat iron at home?"


Even though I've spent more time at the mall than John Stomas has spent styling his hair, there was one thing that I hadn't done: a Chinese acupuncture-inspired mall massage.  

Do you know why I've never gotten a massage at the mall before?  Well, it's right there in the question.  It's a MASSAGE at the MALL.

And, unfortunately, the massage area is never located in a discrete, vacant corner.  It's always located in the dead center of the mall where it's the most open and there's the most foot traffic.  Can you say awkward?

But I figured, why not?  I'll give it a shot.  I mean, I'm the same person who dance walked into Starbucks.  Embarrassment is something that happens to other people.   

So this is the scene.

See that empty chair?  That's where I was. 

The first few minutes were strange because I was painfully aware of all the people watching me get a mall massage.  And that's just weird, y'all.  I felt exactly how the gorillas feel when my kids laugh at them at the zoo.    


And the massage chairs, although designed to be comfortable, created a few problems for me.  


1) They were the "one-size fits all" kind of chairs, and I'm slightly shorter than most adults.  Okay, okay - fine.  I'm a midget in some states.  Whatever.  


2) The chair might be made for taller adults, but the face rest was made for 4-week old infants.  My face got swished deeper and deeper into that thing.  Pretty soon, me and my Cabbage Patch doll looked like identical twins.  


3) See how you have to lean forward in the chair?  This position is not conducive to wearing low rise jeans if you know what I mean.  I think it's safe to say that Victoria's Secret is out now. 

But after a couple of minutes, I completely forgot about my humiliation.  And I relaxed.

Soon, the sounds of whiny children became the sounds of crashing ocean waves at high tide.  And the warmth of the iridescent lights became the warmth of the Caribbean sun.  It was paradise.

But that was before the therapeutic part of the massage started. Ahem.

BAM.  An elbow into my side!  CHOP-CHOP-CHOP-CHOP.  A vicious attack on my spinal column!  I never knew relaxation could hurt that much.

And did you know that you have a funny bone in your bicep?  I didn't either until this guy pushed on it.  And now, I'm sorry to report that I still don't have any feeling in my fingertips.  And there's nothing funny about that.

Then I felt 180-pounds of Asian masseuse body slam me.  Both of his feet completely left the ground before his forearms crashed into my back.  It was a wrestling move that I saw Hulk Hogan pull on The Ultimate Warrior when I was a kid.  But this time, instead of WWF, it was more like WTF.

Listen, buddy - I'm sure this is healthy for me and all, but just for the record, I'm totally fine with my toxins staying right where they are, okay?  Thanks.

I was one lung thrust away from putting an old Chinese proverb into action: "Of all the thirty-six alternatives, running away is best."

I'm not sure what the first 35 alternatives include, but I bet it has something to do with going Kung Fu on a masseue's ass.


But toward the end of the 20-minutes, we had come back full circle.  It was relaxing and wonderful again.  And I could hear those crashing waves and feel the Caribbean sun. Ahhhh.  


Then he leaned down and said, "Time up.  Thank you much."


I stood up and was completely shocked at how de-stressed I felt.  All that body slamming actually was helpful.  Who knew?  I guess that's how The Ultimate Warrior stayed in the game so long.  

And just think! - I almost spent that $22 on some Bare Minerals foundation instead.  Pfft.  As if.

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