Sunday, July 15, 2012

Embarrassment + Chinese Torture = Relaxation

I had a day to myself WITHOUT CHILDREN.

Did the all caps text indicate my excitement?  No?  Well, how about this?  WITHOUT CHILDREN.  Maybe in red?  WITHOUT CHILDREN.  Listen, I'm willing to add as much HTML code as necessary to get the point across.

Some people might have used this opportunity to clean their house from top to bottom.  Some people might have worked on their household budget.  Some people might have gone to the gym for back-to-back Zumba, Body Pump, and Yoga classes.

And if you know any of those people, TELL THEM THEY'RE CRAZY.  This is a day off!  Let's live it up!

So I decided to do my own personal version of a workout, which included walking around the mall and swiping my debit card until the money ran out.  I think Jillian Michaels has a new DVD coming out on it soon.  

Ahhhh.  The mall.

Don't you just love the mall?

I get a happy high from walking in, seeing the busy shoppers, smelling the freshly brewed coffee, and even avoiding those uber-annoying kiosk people.  "Hello, ma'am. Can I ask you a question? Would you like to try this lotion? Does your makeup contain wax? Do you have a flat iron at home?"

Even though I've spent more time at the mall than John Stomas has spent styling his hair, there was one thing that I hadn't done: a Chinese acupuncture-inspired mall massage.  

Do you know why I've never gotten a massage at the mall before?  Well, it's right there in the question.  It's a MASSAGE at the MALL.

And, unfortunately, the massage area is never located in a discrete, vacant corner.  It's always located in the dead center of the mall where it's the most open and there's the most foot traffic.  Can you say awkward?

But I figured, why not?  I'll give it a shot.  I mean, I'm the same person who dance walked into Starbucks.  Embarrassment is something that happens to other people.   

So this is the scene.

See that empty chair?  That's where I was. 

The first few minutes were strange because I was painfully aware of all the people watching me get a mall massage.  And that's just weird, y'all.  I felt exactly how the gorillas feel when my kids laugh at them at the zoo.    

And the massage chairs, although designed to be comfortable, created a few problems for me.  

1) They were the "one-size fits all" kind of chairs, and I'm slightly shorter than most adults.  Okay, okay - fine.  I'm a midget in some states.  Whatever.  

2) The chair might be made for taller adults, but the face rest was made for 4-week old infants.  My face got swished deeper and deeper into that thing.  Pretty soon, me and my Cabbage Patch doll looked like identical twins.  

3) See how you have to lean forward in the chair?  This position is not conducive to wearing low rise jeans if you know what I mean.  I think it's safe to say that Victoria's Secret is out now. 

But after a couple of minutes, I completely forgot about my humiliation.  And I relaxed.

Soon, the sounds of whiny children became the sounds of crashing ocean waves at high tide.  And the warmth of the iridescent lights became the warmth of the Caribbean sun.  It was paradise.

But that was before the therapeutic part of the massage started. Ahem.

BAM.  An elbow into my side!  CHOP-CHOP-CHOP-CHOP.  A vicious attack on my spinal column!  I never knew relaxation could hurt that much.

And did you know that you have a funny bone in your bicep?  I didn't either until this guy pushed on it.  And now, I'm sorry to report that I still don't have any feeling in my fingertips.  And there's nothing funny about that.

Then I felt 180-pounds of Asian masseuse body slam me.  Both of his feet completely left the ground before his forearms crashed into my back.  It was a wrestling move that I saw Hulk Hogan pull on The Ultimate Warrior when I was a kid.  But this time, instead of WWF, it was more like WTF.

Listen, buddy - I'm sure this is healthy for me and all, but just for the record, I'm totally fine with my toxins staying right where they are, okay?  Thanks.

I was one lung thrust away from putting an old Chinese proverb into action: "Of all the thirty-six alternatives, running away is best."

I'm not sure what the first 35 alternatives include, but I bet it has something to do with going Kung Fu on a masseue's ass.

But toward the end of the 20-minutes, we had come back full circle.  It was relaxing and wonderful again.  And I could hear those crashing waves and feel the Caribbean sun. Ahhhh.  

Then he leaned down and said, "Time up.  Thank you much."

I stood up and was completely shocked at how de-stressed I felt.  All that body slamming actually was helpful.  Who knew?  I guess that's how The Ultimate Warrior stayed in the game so long.  

And just think! - I almost spent that $22 on some Bare Minerals foundation instead.  Pfft.  As if.

One click = One vote.  Please click the banner below to register one vote for Werdyab Blog.  Thank you!  
  Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory


  1. Duh! If any mom is doing ANYTHING else besides heading shopping when she is kidless, so is doing it wrong!!
    I always wondered what the massage at those places would be like... still don't think I could do it though... would much rather get naked with a single stranger in a small room separated only by a thin blanket. LOL
    Glad you enjoyed it though. :)

    1. It was super awkward! But in the end, worth it. If you can make it through the first 5 minutes, you're golden. :)

  2. Wow, you got a massage for 22 bucks?? I moved to the Rocky Mountains and so an actual mall is three hours away. Seriously. :/

    1. I think I would curl up and die if the closest mall was a three-hour drive! Bless your heart. And yes, 20 minutes for $22 is a steal! I don't care if people watch me or not. :)

  3. You're my hero - I could never get one of those massages. Hell, my husband got me a gift card for a private prenatal massage at a spa, because 8 months pregnant hurts, and I haven't used it yet (the baby is 15 months old now). I can't have mystery stranger hands on me - nooooo thank you.

    1. You sweet thing! I wish I could say that I felt that way. But not only did I let a stranger give me a massage, but it happened out in the open common way of the mall. I think the only fit punishment is for you to give me your unused gift card. That will teach me a lesson.

  4. There was once a *free* chair massage (for roughly 5 minutes) set up at a local community day event. It was stationed between near the Girl Scouts table, the karate demonstration, and the dairy princess.

    Odd, to say the least.

    YET, I still did it -- and even 5 minutes was relaxing. Loved your description!

    1. "Five minutes is better than no minutes" - New Chinese Proverb.

  5. Hhmmm im totally going to stop for a massage the next time the opportunity presents itself!! Ps-dont buy bare minerals!!!!

  6. I'm not sure exactly why but this site is loading extremely slow for me. Is anyone else having this problem or is it a problem on my end? I'll check back later on and see if the problem
    still exists.

    Feel free to visit my blog post; just click the up coming site

  7. It's a shame you don't have a donate button! I'd most certainly donate to this brilliant blog! I guess for now i'll
    settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed
    to my Google account. I look forward to fresh updates and will share this blog with
    my Facebook group. Chat soon!

    Here is my page; similar resource site

  8. Hello! Someone in my Myspace group shared this website
    with us so I came to look it over. I'm definitely enjoying the information. I'm book-marking and will be tweeting this to my followers!
    Superb blog and outstanding design and style.

    my blog post - just click the up coming site

  9. I was wondering if you ever thought of changing the page layout of your site?

    Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you
    could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better.
    Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or 2 images.
    Maybe you could space it out better?

    my blog post - Full Write-up

  10. I'm not sure exactly why but this web site is loading extremely slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end? I'll check back later on and see if
    the problem still exists.

    Visit my web-site; just click the up coming internet page

  11. This is my first time go to see at here and i am really pleassant to read everthing at single

    Take a look at my webpage - Louis Vuitton Pas Cher

  12. I'm not sure exactly why but this web site is loading very slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a problem on my end? I'll check back later on
    and see if the problem still exists.

    Visit my homepage average auto insurance rates by state

  13. With havin so much content and articles do you ever run
    into any problems of plagorism or copyright violation?
    My website has a lot of unique content I've either created myself or outsourced but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my authorization. Do you know any solutions to help prevent content from being stolen? I'd
    certainly appreciate it.

    Here is my web blog: view website

  14. We stumbled over here coming from a different page and thought I should check things out.
    I like what I see so now i'm following you. Look forward to exploring your web page yet again.

    Feel free to visit my website - Click That Link

  15. Does your website have a contact page? I'm having a tough time locating it but, I'd like to shoot you an e-mail.
    I've got some recommendations for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it grow over time.

    Here is my weblog - Follow This Link - -

  16. Hey! Someone in my Myspace group shared this website
    with us so I came to check it out. I'm definitely loving the information. I'm bookmarking and will
    be tweeting this to my followers! Superb blog and terrific design and style.

    Here is my weblog :: relevant internet site ()

  17. Hey your web page url:
    g?blogID=907173974734445678&postID=8515817613345298365 seems to be redirecting to a completely different web
    page when I click the homepage button. You might
    want to have this checked.

    Here is my blog post link building india

  18. When I initially commented I clicked the "Notify me when new comments are added" checkbox
    and now each time a comment is added I get three e-mails with
    the same comment. Is there any way you can
    remove me from that service? Bless you!

    Feel free to visit my site; quality Link building services

  19. Amazing! I'm genuinely enjoying the design of your site. Are you using a custom made theme or is this freely available to all users? If you do not want to say the name of it out in the general public, please be sure to email me at: I'd really like to
    get my hands on this theme! Thanks a lot.

    Also visit my web site responsive auto insurance

  20. Have you ever thought about creating an ebook or guest
    authoring on other sites? I have a blog centered on the same ideas you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information.
    I know my subscribers would value your work. If you are
    even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an e mail.

    My web site high pr links

  21. Greetings! My spouse and I frequently write guest articles for other weblog owners to help gain publicity to our work, as
    well as provide superb content to weblog owners. It truly is
    a win win situation! If you are interested feel free to e-mail me at: tuyet. so we can communicate further. Thankyou!

    Feel free to surf to my web-site: top link
    building services **

  22. Hi,
    Thanks I really appreciate your post.The worlds largest spa community with spa details, spa reviews, directions and contact details.
    spa list
    spa gift certificate

  23. It is simply extraordinary at a number of models available for a massage chair recliners. You can find them starting at just a few hundred dollars. You can find out the massaging black leather recliner for your own.

  24. That's great post. Informative and interesting which we share with you so i think so it is very useful and knowledgeable. I would like to thank you for the efforts. I am tiring the same best work from me in the future as well.

  25. Wow, perfect. Fortunately, I found your website!
    Thanks for sharing! Pandora beads sale

  26. Thanks for great information you write it very clean. I am very lucky to get this tips from you. additional hints

  27. Superior post, keep up with this exceptional work. It's nice to know that this topic is being also covered on this web site so cheers for taking the time to discuss this! Thanks again and again! escort hong kong