I've Got Merch!

After she googled "werdyab", my friend Nancy said that she thought I was a cyber celebrity because my made-up word was all over the internet.  

Flattery will get you everywhere.  Nancy, can I get you something?  Coffee?  Tea?  Banana split?

So go ahead and Google it.  It's cool.  I'll wait on you.  It's spelled w-e-r-d-y-a-b.  As in, Werd up!  Werd to ya mutha!  Quit putting werds in my mouth.  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but werds will never hurt me.  Werds With Friends.  Microsoft Werd. Diet is a four-letter werd.  A picture is worth a thousand werds.  You mark my werds!  A werd to the wise.  I'll make you eat your werds... which I'm totally cool with, by the way, as long as they taste like donuts.

Notice all my play on werds there?  Nice, huh?

So, are you on Google?  It looks like Werdyab barfed all over your computer screen, doesn't it?  I encourage all of you to make up a word and then pollute the internet with it.  Soon, we'll all be cyber celebrities or we'll create a new psychological disorder.  Either way, WE'RE FAMOUS.

But, uh, as for me, - please notice that all of those Google entries came directly from yours truly.  So I'm kind of leaning toward psychological disorder and away from cyber celebrity.  DANG IT.

Nancy's comment got me thinking, though... What does every respectable celebrity need?  I mean - other a personal trainer, a dog that fits in a purse and "people" to do her bidding.  Celebs need MERCH.  

That's "merchandise" for all of you who don't suffer from the psychological disorder soon to be named Werdyab.

So while Brian was watching basketball and a TiVo'd PTI, I designed some merch!  Brian looked over at my computer screen and said, "So... who is going to buy those shirts that doesn't live in this house?"

Haters gonna hate, y'all.

The answer is obvious - NOBODY.  But who cares?!  I've got MERCH and that's all that matters.  Now I'm just a personal trainer, a small pooch and some "people" away from stardom.  So close, yet so far away.

So check out WERDYAB MERCH.  It's just like Versace or Dolce & Gabbana except that nobody cares.

Did you remember to vote today?  One click = One vote.   
Vote for me and I'll let you buy some of my merch!  I know.  My generosity is endless.   

I'm Happy 2be Here

Have you ever wished that you bought a Vera Wang dress before they were sold in every high-dollar boutique?  Or how about some Abercrombie & Fitch jeans before every teenager's butt crack was hanging out of them?

Well, here's your chance.

I want to tell you about an amazing clothing line called Happy 2be Here out of Nashville, Tennessee.   They sell tees, tanks, hats, and accessories for men, women, and babies.  The materials are all-organic and 10% of their profit is donated to the Room to Read foundation, which promotes children's education.

You're helping the environment by shopping.  Talk about a win-win!

The Signature Tee is my favorite shirt!  It's the most comfortable thing that I own AND I get to impress my friends by telling them about an up-and-coming fashion line.  Because let's be honest  - if you can't impress your friends, then what's the point?

We're Happy 2b Here cheering on Bailey at her softball game!

I also have the Signature Tank and my kids love to model their Beanies.

Strike a pose.  There's nothin' to it. 

Drew lived in the Organic Baby Line when he was little.  In fact, go to their website and check out the toddler hottie on the home page.  You just can't hide handsome.

Drew's modeling debut

I'm so excited about receiving my new Love the Possibilities Tee in the mail today!  I'm lovin' the possibilities of wearing this to the grocery store - or maybe even the mall - if I can get it away from my dog, Belle.

Each tee is hand-packaged with love

When you wear H.2.B.H, the calories don't count, the weather is always sunny and 75 degrees and the world is perfect.  Okay, not really.  But pretty close.

It's more than just a brand.  It's a movement. Get happy!  www.happy2behere.com

It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine.

Welcome to 2012!  Wait.  Isn't this the year that the Mayans predicted the end of the world?

So now's your chance!  Take your bucket list and make it cry like a little girl!  Hike Kilimanjaro.  Quit your job and move to New York.  Fall into deep, reckless love.  JUST DON'T LOOK AT THE CARTOON BELOW.

If you're buying into that cartoon, then you might want to watch the insanely awesome video below.  If not, then I'll meet you at the base of Kilimanjaro.

The only people who claim that the Mayans knew about the end of the world are distantly...not...Mayans. 

Still not convinced?  Take a few minutes and read through this website: 2012hoax.

I watch too much History Channel.  Does it show?

And I saved the best for last.  One more source: God Himself.

"No one knows about the day or hour, not even the angels in Heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." - Mathew 24:36

He said unto them: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority." -  Acts 1:7

So.... are you re-thinking that hike now?  Yeah.  Me, too.

Do you know Cindy Lou Who? I do.

My friend's daughter looks exactly like Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.  Like, she may actually be Cindy Lou Who, because come to think of it, I've never seen them in the same place at the same time.

She's so cute!  All I want to do is fix her broken tree and ask her to carve the roast beast.

Complisult

Just in case you have better things to do than surf  Urban Dictionary, I would like to introduce you to a new word: Complisult.    

The word combines "compliment" and "insult" into one sneaky piece of back-handed flattery.  Similar to "bless her heart", when it's used correctly, you can practically get away with murder. 

Complisult: "I love that dress!  It does wonders for your figure!"
Translation: "Usually you look REALLY fat, but today, you look just kind of fat."

Complisult: "You aren't the smartest person I know, but you aren't the dumbest, either."
Translation: "You're a dumbass."

Complisult: "Your house is so cute!"
Translation: "This place is tiny!  How do four people live in here?" 

You've used them, too, huh?  Well, don't feel too guilty - complisults make the world a happier place.  

And this was the first thought that popped into my head after hearing the song posted below.  The New Boyz don't want you to "take this the wrong way, but you look better with the lights off."  

At least they know that you should take it the wrong way because that's the only reason you ask somebody not to take it the wrong way.  But, seriously.  Is there another way to take it?

And the fact that Chris Brown offers up a cameo in this song is just too easy.  This is the same Chris Brown who beat the devil out of his girlfriend, Rhianna, a few years back.  I guess it's easier to get romantic when you can't see all the gashes and bruises, huh, Chris?

So, that's all for now.  I want to thank you for reading this post, especially considering that only three people usually read my blog.

Yes, that was a complisult.  You're better at spotting them now, aren't you?    

  

I drank free coffee today

Did somebody say "free" and "coffee" in the same sentence?  Those are my two favorite words!

And that's exactly the blessing that was thrown upon me at McDonald's this morning.  Well, not literally thrown upon me.  Unfortunately.  Because I'd be totally willing to sell out my left thigh for some cold hard cash: McDonald's 1994 Lawsuit, a.k.a, How Stupid People Get Rich

I really needed coffee.  Like, if Starbucks sold an IV drip, I would have splurged for one today.  But Unfortunately, our local Starbucks is inside a Kroger and I wasn't about to walk 100 yards to get coffee.  THAT'S WHY I NEEDED COFFEE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

So I went to McDonald's (and their drive-thru) instead.  As I approached the window to pay, the 19 year old cashier smiled and he said, "No charge for your coffee today, ma'am.  Have a great day."

This is a great day, indeed.  Not only did I get free coffee, but apparently, I've still got it.  Heh. Heh.

Then I realized that everybody gets free coffee at McDonald's this week.  Buzz kill.

I've searched high and low on the web for more information about this promotion to no avail. So just go to McDonald's today for a FREE cup of joe.  Tell them you heard it from me.  That should help.

And this isn't where the Free Friday story ends.

Drew's preschool hosted a Parent Appreciation Breakfast this morning complete with omelets, muffins, bagels and juice.  I took a chocolate chip muffin because when food is given to you, the calories don't count.  It's a law, I think.

The investment firm in our office building offered free lunch to all their customers today.  And even though we aren't customers, it would have been rude not to invite us.  Plus, we might have keyed their cars this afternoon.   So I had a free lunch consisting of a barbecue sandwich, Brunswick stew, potato salad and peach cobbler. Yum!

And while eating my weight in cobbler, guess what happened?  I won a door prize. Cha-ching! More free stuff. Hello, travel coffee mug.

For the past few weeks, my GMC Acadia has been making a weird clicking noise when I turn left (which is especially inconvenient at the McDonald's drive-thru), so the dealership is repairing it for me today.  Under warranty.

Free Fridays rock.  I can't wait to see who's buying me dinner.

Pinteresting... Very Pinteresting...

Please allow me to introduce you to the latest cyber drug: Pinterest.  If you haven't been offered a proverbial hit yet, consider yourself warned.  Once you pin, the addiction begins.  Kicking cocaine will be easier.

Pinterest helps you organize all your online favorites by creating virtual bulletin boards. You can pin anything: photography, music, books, party ideas, decorating, and the list goes on and on. Gazillions of pins are being added each week.

Here are some pinboard examples:

I do...Do you, too?

Stylin' and Profilin'

Goodbye, Weight Watchers

Decor whore 

And similar to Twitter, people follow you and you follow them, so ideas are easily shared.

And this sharing business is the best part! All I have to do is find a handful of people with really good taste and copy their ideas.  I mean, why prioritize when you can plagiarize?

So if I follow you on Pinterest, please take it as a compliment.  And if you follow me?  Well... uh... sorry.  

What's In Your Wallet?

Several years ago, I stumbled across a small piece of torn paper tucked away in my (now) husband's wallet.  On that 4 inch by 4 inch square, I found what appeared to be an itemized list of goals.

And since it would have been a total privacy violation to read it, I promptly returned the list to his wallet.

Come on, people! Of course I read it.  Duh.

The list included things like "get a promotion" or "save $10,000 this year".  I think I might have even teared up a little when I read number 4: Show Amanda every day how much I love her.

Yeah, there's nothing hotter than a man who puts you on his Wallet List.

When I asked him about it later, he said that keeping a list of goals with him at all times was like magic - they just seemed to come to fruition.  And then periodically, he would update his list, removing the met goals and replacing them with the yet-to-be-met ones.

I'm no mathematician, but according to Brian, there is a simple formula here: Setting goals + Jotting them down on a torn envelope = Dreams coming true.

Why is he keeping this golden information to himself?  What President Obama wouldn't give to make his magical list!: 1) Make teleprompters invisible 2) Ban Fox News 3) Don't  say things like "Well, I think I've been to 57 states now.." (And yes, he did say that during the Presidential campaign.  YouTube it.  Or just watch Fox News before they get banned.)

But the really remarkable part of this blog post is that I've HAD this information for years and I've never taken advantage of it.  That's like a leprechaun leaving you a map to the end of the rainbow on your front door step seven years ago, and you just haven't gotten around to picking up your pot of gold yet.

As I made my To Do List at work today, I thought about how awesome it would be if my To Do List was actually a Wallet List, which reminded me that I need to make one of those bad boys.

Brian always seems to have ten items on his list.  I'm not sure if this is a requirement or not, but just in case, you'll see diez temas on my list, too.  I don't mess around with magic mojo.

My Wallet List

1) Win the lottery.  But I wouldn't be greedy about it. I'd be perfectly willing to split 360 million dollars with five other people. 

2) Ban those ridiculous Facebook status games where you post "I'm 13 weeks and craving a Snickers" and that somehow means that you are promoting Breast Cancer awareness.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but the only thing that you're promoting is Facebook rumors and my butt busting out of my jeans.   

3) Clowns should be eliminated from the universe. Post about Creepy Clowns 

4) All puppies should arrive sleeping through the night and completely potty trained.  This goes for children, too.  

5) 80s hair should always be in style.  Yes, I know that it's obnoxious and hideous, but this is personal.  It can take me up to two hours to look "natural" but only five minutes and a bottle of Aussie Scrunch Spray to look like the front row of a Van Halen concert.  Hey, if you don't like it, make your own Wallet List.

6) I've decided that I've lost enough weight; I just need to figure out a way to grow five inches taller.  So I need this list to make that happen because Lord knows genetics sure let me down.

7) After reading this blog post, all readers will completely forget that they ever heard about the magic Wallet List. You know, like what used to happen on Inspector Gadget? Sorry, guys - there might be some kind of limit on the magic and I can't take any chances. 

8) Wallet Lists don't have to be exclusively carried in wallets anymore.  They can also be found in make-up bags, diaper bags, laptop bags or grocery bags.  Blogs are okay, too.

9) It's difficult to think of ten humorous goals. Change Wallet List requirement to five items next time.

10) Tell my husband and my children every day that I love them! (I had to throw one serious goal in there.)

Move over, Bucket List.  There's a new game in town.

Can't Sleep. Clowns Will Eat Me.

Bailey asked if we could go to the Ringling Bros Circus.  Uh... no.  Doesn't she know that clowns will be there?  I'm scared to death of those creepy little bastards.

For years, I've tried to wrap my brain around why anybody would think that clowns are cool.  I mean, do you want to hire this guy for your child's next birthday party?

How about this one?

Even clowns that are supposed to be nice still look creepy.

Good freaking grief, people.  Wise up!  These creatures are not lovable.  They're not cute.  They're not funny.  THEY WANT TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN.

A few years back, I took a girls' trip to Vegas.  Laura, Melody and Katie decided that I needed to face my fear of clowns by visiting the hotel and casino Circus Circus.  Have you ever seen this place? Sheesh. Too bad all it did was make me a little scared of Vegas, too.

And by the way, if you stay at Circus Circus, these are the people who watch you while you sleep.

So this blog is a little less of a blog and a little more of a public service announcement.  Join my petition now and let's get creepy clowns removed from circus acts all around the globe.  Together, we can make the world a better place.

And as a extra bonus to making the world a better place, maybe I can take my children to the circus without hiding under the bleachers.  I'm only kidding... probably.

UGGly to UGGiful

Ahem. I would like to begin this blog with a poem entitled, "Vices":

Superman has kryptonite

Lindsay Lohan has booze

Charlie Sheen has hookers

And I have shoes

But in recent years, I've self-imposed a rigorous 12 step program that has significantly cut down my shoe buying (that, or I picked up a $1,000 a month nanny bill. I'll let you decide).

Back to the point of this post - UGG boots. I've never really gotten the craze. And I didn't think that I'd get much use out of them anyway. When you go through life 5'2" and you want to converse with other adults without shouting, you get used to wearing heels all the time. Investing in casual boots seemed wasteful.

Until I actually tried on a pair. These boots are uber amazing! It's like wearing a cushy, sheepskin rug made especially for your feet that perfectly regulates the internal temperature. UGGS are the Goldilocks of fashion - my feet are never too cold and they're never too hot; they're always juuuust right.

Come over to my house at midnight and you're bound to find me watching television in my pjs and UGGS. I hate taking them off. They're like bedroom slippers only better because nobody judges you when you wear them to the grocery store.

Has my blogomercial convinced you to buy a pair yet?

What seemed UGGly from a distance now looks UGGiful to me. I guess it's true what they say - "Beauty is in the foot of the beholder"... or, uh... something like that.

Nothing says Sunday like UGGS and footfall.

Drew is Two!

I cannot believe that it's been two years since Andrew Liam Hohenbery joined the world, and I knew that my world would never be the same. I am so thankful to have him in my life.

He's such an easy baby and always so sweet and loving. I've never seen another toddler who does exactly what you ask the first time that you ask it. He's never sick and sleeps like a champ! Not to mention, he's incredibly handsome and charming. Seriously, clone this kid and make billions. He's that awesome.

Here's what Drew's into these days:

• Trains, Trains, Trains. They go with us everywhere and he knows all 867 (well, sometimes it feels like there's that many) different Thomas trains by name.
• Art. He's extremely creative and loves to draw and color.
• Dancing. This kid was genetic predisposed on both his mother and father's side to shake it. And... let's just say that he makes us proud.
• Music. He loves to sing. I remember hearing an interview with Justin Timberlake's mother where she said that she knew that JT would be a star when he started harmonizing with the radio at two years old. Now, if Drew becomes the JT of 2028, I'll swear that I knew it when he was two. And If he doesn't, then I'll probably forget that he ever liked to sing as a toddler.
• Athletics. Drew has great hand-eye coordination for a child his age (definitely gets this from Brian!). He loves to throw and catch a ball and can already hit a pitched ball with a bat. I see a lot of evenings at the ballpark in my future.
  
• Cars. He builds ramps out of books and likes to let the cars "crash!" into each other. Two Hot Wheels could provide hours of entertainment for this kid.
• Carbs, Fruits, Vegetables. But no meat. We've tried every protein, multiple times, but if you ask him to eat a chicken finger, he grimaces like you've just asked him to eat elephant brains or something. His favorite foods include macaroni and cheese, pizza, pasta, green beans, lima beans (and pretty much any other vegetable. Except carrots. He hates carrots), jello, bananas, apples, oranges, peaches (well, any fruit), crackers and Popsicles. Popsicles are like crack in my house.
• "Blanket". Drew loves the blanket that he sleeps with at night. It's a soft, yellow blanket with satin trim adorning his name in blue stitching. He thinks it's kinda awesome.
• Television. His favorite television shows are Thomas the Train, Dinosaur Train, Dora the Explorer, Sesame Street and Micky Mouse Clubhouse, but he only pays attention during the songs. Other than that, he could really care less. It's all about the music for this boy.
• Animals. Name an animal and he'll give you the sound that it makes, no matter how obscure. Try him. You'll be impressed.
  
• Books. He loves having books read to him. We always have a stack of his favorites nearby.
  

Other Drew Facts:

• He wears a size 24 months clothes and a size 7 shoe.

• He sleeps from about 9 pm to 9 am each night and takes a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon.

• He's left-handed. The first lefty in either of our families.
  

• He's talking all the time. My favorite words are motorcycle ("sickle, sickle") and horse ("whorse"). I'm also a big fan of "Mama".

• He worries about Bailey. If Bailey isn't at home for some reason, he asks about her a million times. "Mama, where's Sissy?" "Sissy, bye-bye?" "Sissy, night-night?" He loves that big sister!

• In fact, he's very protective of his entire family. For example, if Bailey is using my phone, he'll say, "no Sissy, that's Mama's". It's cute how he is always looking out for everybody.

• Brian is his favorite. I would like to say that I'm a big enough person not to be jealous, but uh... I don't want to add lying to my list of negative qualities. But I've got a plan. And I'm not above bribery.

• The child hates milk.Won't drink it. No way. We've tried chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, soy, low-fat, high-fat, and it's "bleck!" every time. We are still giving him toddler formula in lieu of milk. Hello $20 a week.

• We visit Nana every Wednesday evening. She makes Drew a grilled cheese, gives him cake and lets him play with her matchbox car collection (probably over 200 cars). Drew thinks that Nana's house is like a little slice of Heaven.

• Before leaving the house, most people do a quick check for essentials. Wallet and phone? Got it. Okay, now I'm ready to go. For Drew, he always checks for a ball and a train. If we have those two items, we could travel to China.

• He's got freaky technology skills. He can pick up my iPhone and send a text message. Or reboot Brian's computer. He touches a piece of technology and stuff happens. It's kinda cool.

• He loves getting new shoes and wearing shoes. Sometimes we have trouble getting him to take his shoes off at bedtime.

• Bath Time = Fun Time. He loves to take a bath, which we call "nudie booty". I think I said "nudie booty" once when he was like 8 weeks old and it stuck. The poor kid is going to tell his fellow teammates in high school, "Hey guys, I'll catch up with you later. I need to take a quick nudie booty after the game". Yeah, sorry about that.
  

• He loves getting a hair cut. I think that most kids his age freak out with a stranger coming at them with a pair of scissors, but Drew understands the importance of a stylish do.

Drew filled a void that I never knew existed before I met him. He is such a joy to be around. I am so proud that God chose me to be his mother. And I can't wait to see what life has in store for this amazing little fellow!

Happy 2nd Birthday, Drew!

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

10 of my must-have items:

1. Victoria Secret Beyond Bronze Lotion. This lotion is not a self-tanning product; it's bronze tinted lotion. You put it on the exposed areas based on your outfit, and voila - instant tan until your next shower. Perfect for a night out. Unfortunately, some idiot at Victoria Secret decided to discontinue this product a couple of years ago, but you can still find it on ebay. I paid $50 for my last bottle, but compared to $30 for one spray tan, it's totally worth the money.

2. Keurig Coffee Maker. I love a good cup of coffee! Too bad I have zero ability to brew one. But Keurig makes drinking good coffee at home dummy proof - or in this case, Amanda proof. A perfect cup of joe in less than 60 seconds... it just doesn't get any better than that.

3. iPhone. Apple is the most financially successful technology company in the world, so there's no doubt that you've heard of the iPhone and already know how awesome it is. No need for me to elaborate here.

4. P90X. It's worth all the hype. It's intense and few people actually complete the 90 day program as instructed. But even if you don't, and you only use the videos a few times a week, you'll see big results. Best $120 you can spend on any in-home workout.

5. Nikon D5000. The Facebook phenomenon has made having a good camera almost essential. My sweet hubby surprised me with this camera last year and I love it! Spring for the upgraded lenses, too. Your family's memories are worth the investment.

6. Inoa Hair Color. I don't claim to be a cosmetology expert, but I am an avid cosmetology patron - dropping a couple hundred bucks a month on my mane. Since I've switched to this hair color, there's been a noticeable difference in the shine and texture of my hair. Ask your salon about it.

7. Kerastase Hair Products. While we're on the topic of my high maintenance hair, I'd also like to plug Kerastase hair products. Thank you very little to all the celebrity stylists who worked so hard to bring back the natural look. It can take me up to 2 hours to look "natural" and only ten minutes and a bottle of Aussie Scrunch Spray to look like the front row of a Whitesnake concert. But these products make my hair straight and smooth, even with the Georgia humidity.

8. Push-Button Start. My Nissan Altima has this feature and I love it! If your purse is anything like mine, you probably have 15 unnecessary items causing annoying clutter. But with push-button start, you don't have to take your keys out of your purse to crank the car anymore. And since I use a garage door opener to get into my house, I never even use my keys. I'm uber inconvenienced if I have to take my keys out of my purse for any reason now.

9. Stuart Weitzman Black Pumps. Before you google it, look at the price tag, and send me a nastygram, please know that these puppies are worth every penny. I bought my pumps almost four years ago and they still look brand new - even with me wearing them a couple of days a week. Now, think about how many times you'll spend $30-$50 on a pair of shoes that you'll wear only one year (or only one time). I think that making the investment in a good quality pair of classic heels is smart money.

10. "Goodfeel". If you are over the age of two, this one probably doesn't interest you in the least, but I couldn't make a list of my favorite things without including my blankie. I named it when I was two and it seemed to make sense at the time.  By the way, you are not the first person to call me Linus.  One piece of satin makes the world look just a little bit brighter. Goodfeel: my anti-drug.